Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Last night I was poking around in the garden. Inspecting plants. Pulling grass and weeds from the beds. For some reason, I kind of flashed back to Mac's hospital room. The small triangular space that felt so gray. That looked out onto another gray wall and down on a gray courtyard. That medicinal prison cell.

It caused me to flinch and shrink back.. a shiver passing across my back and down my spine. I had to look around quick and try to pass out of that feeling of claustrophobia. I had to absorb all the green around me... the blue sky.... the swallows darting and weaving overhead. A lone vulture over the tree line.

It occurred to me that the little farm isn't big enough. Thirty-eight and a half acres. I wondered if I would ever have enough space around me again.

I have stuff I need to do today, but I think I'll run into town and get some gas and I think I'll just mow. I'll stay out in the open today. Take my work outside possibly. Shake that feeling hopefully.



  1. I can relate to your claustrophobia. i felt like that when i lived in austria, surrounded by all mountains i couldn´t breathe. i do love the mountains though it´s just i can´t be living there. the other day i got the same feeling again when i rode out, which took me by surprise. skåne - where i live, in the southern part of sweden has open spaces and no mountains at all but something must have triggered that feeling, just don´t know what it was yet. how is mac doing right now?
    sending lots of love your way louie! xx

  2. Mac is doing well. His Dr. visits are down to every four months. He still has the GVH and i wish they would deal with it a bit more aggressively but they just sit back and prescribe steroids. He is getting anxious about the weight gain they cause and of course they just make a person feel puffy and uncomfortable and irritable. Irritability , by nature, gets shared. I really don't think I like him sharing all that much. Oh well.

    As far as the claustrophobia goes... I went and mowed grass for four hours. Being really worn out seemed to help as did laying in a hot tub after ward. I think hot baths are God's gift to women!!!

  3. i´m glad to hear Mac is doing better. isn´t it funny even though i have never met you or Mac irl I was thinking about you both quite a bit when you weren´t online for such a long time and wondering how Mac and you were doing.
    hot bath - oh i so wish we would have a bathtube but we don´t. oh well, one day when we live on our own farm...

  4. Marion, keep your eyes peeled for the perfect tub NOW!! When you find one then stash it away. In my bathroom, I have an old claw foot, cast iron tub that is a bit of a relic. It is big. It is comfortable and I count it among the best of friends!

  5. you know what, that´s a brilliant idea and i will actually do that :), i have seen one i really liked made out of wood. it has to be a nice one for sure, one with character :)