Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Plan your work, work your plan.

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible day.  It started with one of Mac's really bad nose bleeds.  Then he was storming the house and cussing.  Yelling that he can't get blood on his clothes.  He can't be dicking around with a bloody nose all day.    I told him I wished I could help.  Couldn't figure out anything other then what he was already doing.   He responded with, "That's right!  YOU can't help!"  So, I went out and did my chores.  They did not take long enough.  Came back into the house and tried to be as invisible as possible.  Finally, he left for school.  (thank you, Jesus!!!)

Then, I went around and picked up bloody tissues and threw them away.  A couple of bloody wash clothes went into the laundry.  Washed up the bathroom floor and the bathroom sink.  Cleaned up all of what seemed to be some sort of retaliatory mess.

My spirits sunk considerably.

I went out and I whacked weeds from under the electric wire on the back pasture.  Mike and Kate had helped me get the fallen dead elm off of the fence, so I decided that I needed to get at finishing the job.  Overhanging branches were trimmed away.   I did battle with a couple of wild roses.  While I did get them clear of the fence, they are still quite healthy.  I, on the other hand, came out fairly bloody and bruised.  I will concede the victory to the roses.

Wires were pulled tight.  Some repairs were made to both the long gate and the narrow walk through gate.  Solar charger was moved.  The horses were walked back.  Water tanks were dumped, hosed out and hauled back.  Then all available containers were found and water was also hauled back to fill the tanks.  It was a long hard day.

Usually hard labor goes a long way in exorcising any emotional demons I might have.  It did not work yesterday.  Luckily Mac came home in a very good mood, though that really did not help either.  Today I am trying to see the farm with fresh eyes.  Trying to see what the plan will look like.  I need to bury myself deep in that vision.  I do not consider myself a person who really gets depressed, but it seems that sometimes it attacks me.  Sinks in it's claws like some wild thing.  But it is foreign from myself and it needs to be pried lose.  I'm not sure what else to do but to keep my eyes on where I want to be.  I have a plan.  I just need to work it.


Friday, August 17, 2012

And Now, I Breathe.....

It has been a long, hot, emotional summer.  Occasionally touting bouts of extreme depression.  Perhaps I am feeling the martyr's part, but I feel like I am holding up my husband .. a lot.  And it has gotten to the point where I feel like I support a ton weight over my head all the time.  I am probably not being fair but Mac is emotional high maintenance at the best of times.  Lately, I have been feeling completely empty.

Then a miracle happened.... school started.

The kids aren't there yet.  These are the days of teacher meetings.  A seminar is going on this year to take the place of actual prep time.  Something the principal pulled out of his ass, that is completely opposite to what he pulled out of his ass last year.

Some things don't change.

We started our school year schedule.  We got  up.  I made coffee.  I packed up his day's prescriptions.  Fed him breakfast.  Made the bed.  Sent him out the door.  Then for some reason... I kept crying.  I don't know why.  I haven't been able to cry for years now.  It's not like I was sobbing or anything.  I just couldn't stop leaking. I tried to get some things done around the house.  I wasn't accomplishing much.  Just puttering about really.  Couldn't concentrate.

Then finally, I went to see the horses.

I took out a halter, rope and my stick.  We played.  I rubbed on them.  I scratched manes and ears.  They backed.  They turned.  Chloe circled but that wasn't what I wanted.  That's okay cause they cracked me up.  Which was another miracle, because now, I can breathe.