Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Guilt should be a bigger word or maybe a whole phrase. That short little monosyllable doesn't capture all of the soul mutilating essence the makes up it's meaning. Guilt racked is better. Still doesn't really encompass the feel but it's closer.

This is the problem.... we are hoping that some time this summer Mac can go to visit his brother and squeeze in a bit of a vacation. During that time I hope to be able to do some catching up an projects that have been put on hold because of husband and rain. Last night I was fiddling with some yard work and as I was getting started he rode up on the lawn mower demanding, "What are you doing?! You can't do that now!" Well, it was something he told me that I should do as soon as we got home from town.

As he rides away, I am trying really hard to not lose my temper and I thought, " I can't wait until your gone!" Of course, I meant on vacation, but I knew that it didn't sound like it. Even though it was still just in my head, it didn't sound like it! Then there was this flash of fear, panic and GUILT. What if I had let some karma based genie out of it's bottle? What if I had set into motion some sort of cosmic repercussion? Thoughts become words and then become deeds, so control your thoughts. I hadn't controlled my thoughts and I feel like I opened Pandora's box.

No, guilt definitely needs to be a bigger word.


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