time and tide

Today started with a bit of a panic attack. In a few days it will be June. CRAP!! How did that happen? The garden still isn't completely in, thanks to varmints and weather that swings from unseasonably hot to unseasonably cold. I have also been dealing with time wasters. Yesterday the belt broke on the mower. How is it that time becomes so much more precious the week before bill day, during serious illness and during panic attacks?

My to-do list (aka THE MASTER) has about five tasks on it today... all of which would be the big job on any other day's to-do list. What am I thinking?!! Why am I working myself into a froth? Well, it's like this.... I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE!! I don't want to have the snow falling and have Mac say, "I knew you were trying to do too much"... "I knew you couldn't get every thing finished that you wanted"... "I don't know what you were thinking".. "You're a silly woman"

When Mac and I first met and were married, he thought I was so smart, so capable, so fun to be with. Then a person in his family started chipping away at us. First the marriage and then the kids. I have often thought that if I had a dollar for every time that she said, with a roll of the eyes, "You KNOW what she's like" or ,"You KNOW what your mother is like", then I could have easily paid cash for this place. There was twenty plus years of incessant demoralization. So now I have, I admit, a chip on my shoulder the size of New York city and a desire to prove myself that is totally unhealthy. I finally have a summer with no hospital stays looming and I have three years worth of work to fit into one.

Once I finish my little panic attack, it is time to let loose the warrior woman. It is time to fight the battle. I will slice down whoever stands in my way. This time I am not fighting for someone else. I'm not fighting a disease. I am fighting for myself. I am fighting to finally be me again with out someone else's shackles of a crippling persona. I have been made so strong and I will drop on the field rather then yield. My battle is righteous.

Now, you will have to excuse me.... I have a list to attend to.

louie