Monday, May 24, 2010

Neither here nor there

My friend with cancer, the one I believed was just going through a tough time, is actually now in hospice. When you have cancer in your own family it is very easy to have this news be overwhelming. It is another opportunity to picture yourself in the same situation ... this could be me and Mac in six months, a year, maybe two. Hopefully not this way. I don't want to be defeated by this disease that we have battled for so long. I don't want to see my friend defeated either.

My time with my grandson, Edgar is saving me from going there. He will soon be two. He has a LOT of energy. His little life force forces me to keep focused on a better future, other possibilities. He makes me think about birthdays and christmases to come. He reminds me of the rule that we all have to live by while we are here.... you must choose life. Life is a river that sweeps up everything in it's path. It goes on and on and has no concern if we want to step off a bit. Children continue to grow, bills still need paid and the mold continues to bloom in the refrigerator.

I'm certainly on a roller coaster. One minute I am thinking of everything that I want to do with the "farm" and sharing my efforts with my grand kids and the next, I'm stopped dead in my tracks thinking of my friend.

The subtitle of my blog is "chasing the dream, through disease, mayhem and madness" Well, the disease is Mac's. The mayhem pretty much belongs to all of us in this family. Right now I feel like the madness is very much mine. But in time it will be alright. You see, that's when I'll choose life. It's really no choice at all.... you have to.


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