For some really strange reason, one that I cannot fathom, Mac has been watching "The X Factor" on tv the last couple of nights. Why do people do this? Some of these performers truly make me cringe. I am very much aware that I cannot sing and I have to wonder why other people don't also have this self realization. Why don't they accept that they can have another talent? It's okay to not be a great singer. Why has talent just gotten reduced to singing? It used to be that a talent was any usable skill. I can do so much... I just can't sing.
This got me to thinking......
I should send Simon Cowen an audition dvd! My talent... post hole digging! First, as always, there must be the shmoozing. Hi, my name is Louie. Today I have chosen to perform post hole digging. I have been able to dig post holes most of my life and only recently have I decided to take it to the professional level. excuse me? What would I do with a five million dollar post hole contract? (here I would get flustered and tear up a bit) "This would change my life", I would tell them. "You have no idea what this means to me."
Then I would get busy showing them my stuff. I'd start with measuring off of the property line to keep it square. Then, I would double check that I had all of my tools and a bucket of water. At that point I usually realize I forgot my measurement. Then I measure again. Then I take out the sod divot with my shovel and set it aside. Then I work my way around the hole with the shovel keeping my sides as straight as possible. Once I get down about sixteen inches, I switch to the clam shell diggers. I put on my gloves and get serious. Once it feels like the digger can't really grab any more, I switch back to the shovel and loosen the bottom up a little. Back to the digger. If it still doesn't feel like it's grabbing much, I dump some water in and go do something else for ten minutes. Then I come back and dig some more. With great luck I get the hole done in an hour.
Hmmmm, I believe I should rethink this.
Here's the deal, Mr Cowen. Forget the five million dollar contract. Send me $25, 000. and I will stay at home. I will NEVER sing for you. I will never travel to L.A. or Seattle or Miami, or Dallas and make you watch me humiliate myself on stage. Trust me, it's a helluva deal! Actually send me $50,000. and I also won't go onto your stage and accompany my horrific singing with dancing.... a harmonica... sock puppets... or an over inflated attitude of me being Miss Somthin'-somethin'. You should jump on it. This is an offer you may never hear again.
However, if you ever DO need a post hole deva......