Friday, September 16, 2011

My Process

I have found something that I want. Just finding something that I want causes me to feel a great deal of guilt. Most of the time if I see something I want, I just stew over it for a bit. Get a little cranky, then get over it. However in this case, it is a slightly different process. What I want is a horse. I know, I know... I'm having trouble building enough fence for the pony and horse I have now. GUILT! The little grulla mustang girl I am looking at is so gorgeous that someone else is sure to want her. GUILT! There is stuff that Mac wants. GUILT! If I can raise the money for her it should go on a bill. GUILT!

So, step one of the process is finding something I want and not being able to easily talk myself out of it. Step two is beating myself up with the ridiculousness of the possibility. (Usually by the means of GUILT) Next will be, what if I don't deserve it, closely followed by, what if I don't like it once I get it.

What it typically boils down to is, if I am to have something then the money will somehow fall into my lap. Don't get me wrong, I work to get the money for my horses, but it always goes wrong and then money "appears". I got Çhloe from a pharmaceutical reimbursement. Pip came when dear, dear friends got tired of watching me sell recipes to buy her and stepped in after passing the hat.

I went through the process with both Pip and Chloe. Beating myself up. Telling myself, "Who the hell are you anyway! Other people want stuff too!"

Then I look at this little filly, a weanling. Most people don't want to mess with them this young. I look at how the government is sending the mustang on the short road to extinction to kiss butt for ranchers, oil men and foresting interests. I want to play a part in saving this gene pool. She is a kiger and that is the best of the best. She is of spanish descent, so imagine a lusitano forged for centuries by nature's survival of the fittest. She is beautiful and I can't help wanting her. She makes me ache.

Here she is....

Well, I suppose that I need to get on with my process, cause who the hell do I think I am anyway!



  1. She is beautiful. Now I am not going to say you should or should not get her as that is a decision you have to come to on your own HOWEVER, I find that guilt serves very little purpose in our lives. It clouds issues and makes us act out of emotion. And not a particularly good emotion at that. Let the guilt go, especially in this scenario. If wanting a horse makes you guilty I must be the worst person in the world.

  2. A comment made it through!!!! I am ecstatic! I know you are right about the guilt. there have been numerous times in my life when I thought I had overcome it... but then something happens... Something ALWAYS happens!!!

    I will try harder!