Monday, April 12, 2010

What if ......?

When I was young and in Drivers Ed. class, we had a teacher that would play "What If". What if that child on the curb runs out in front of you? What if the blue car on the highway cuts you off? What if the car in front of you slams on their brakes? Of course, the game was designed to keeps us aware and paying attention.

"What If" has invaded all areas of my life. With Mac's illness, most of the "what if" possibilities look at the darker side. If he doesn't survive the stem cell transplant process, I will lose my home. I will probably lose the truck. I am hoping that I will be able to hang onto my horses. I know of people that will take Chloe, but no matter what, I cannot lose Pip. I hope I can hang onto at least part of my land, and I make estimations to just how rough can I live and happily survive. What if... what if... I keep playing scenarios through my mind.

Then it occurred to me, that I almost never play any happy "What if" games anymore. Haven't thought about being successful at anything I do. Haven't bought a lottery ticket in four months. But I know there is still that optimistic side in me. I know I have hope. I'm just not sure how to aim it anymore. Maybe I should just start smaller. What if ....I finally get that barrel cut into a water trough. What if .... I finally get that kitchen cabinet hung. What if ..... I make a start on the arbor.

Mac has survived the most difficult six months post transplant. The next statistical hurdle is five years. If he survives the five years then there is an 80% chance that he will live an additional fifteen years. What if ...he lives the five and my business and blog take off? Then I can hopefully take him to Ireland. What if... I am able to expand and hire the girls? What if ... things go well financially and Mac can retire early? What if... I could send Mac and his brother to guitar camp?

What if.... Mac gets the additional fifteen years? How much could I cram in then?

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