calm

Today, I am having trouble with a lot of conflicting emotion. There are so many things that I can do nothing about. Sometimes that's okay and sometimes it isn't. Then there are the things that I can do something about. Things I should do something about. Today, I don't want to deal with any of it. I want..... I need a day of calm. That quiet in the eye of the storm where the sun shines and birds fly.

I have my to-do list for today, because I ALWAYS have my to-do list. I have things I promised for other people and there is so much other stuff floating around in my head clamoring for attention. But I can't get it all to lay down flat, stack itself neatly and file itself away in it's labeled cubby. I can't grapple with it today. I need to find a way to work inside of a calm place.

It makes me think of Tibetan monks. It's hard enough to find your "happy place" but I would think it would be damn near impossible to do it while sitting cross legged on a cold stone floor. Makes my back muscles spasm just to think about it. Maybe their happy place is just a recliner. One with the heater and optional vibrating back.

I think my brain today resembles a cowlick on the back of a ten year olds head.... and I have no hair gel. It's just sproinging every which way. CALM! Just be calm!

They tell you to do deep cleansing breathes to be calm. That doesn't work with me. It just causes me to flash back to being in labor. I always feel that the deep cleansing breathes should be followed by short little blow, blow, blow or an immense desire to PUSH!! No, No, NO! Can't do it, won't go there! Bearing down just has a totally different result these days.

OKAY!! I've got it! It just came to me. Today when things get to be too much, I will think about pie. I will think about rhubarb pie, to be specific. I will think about sunny rhubarb patches and baking and flaky crusts. I will think about feeding my family pie. When we eat pie, we talk about pie. We talk about rhubarb and how we never have enough to get us through the year. We talk about Fred using rhubarb leaves to pretend to be an elephant. We talk about eating rhubarb straight from the patch. We talk about pie crust being one of my Dad's favorite foods. We relish pie. We will recount pies from the past. Share pie experiences. I will think about how the ultimate sign of friendship is to dig up a bit of your rhubarb patch and transplant the start. We will talk about crust recipes. We will EXPERIENCE pie. And if we are lucky, we will have enough for seconds.

I love pie.

louie