The last three weeks I have turned into a great big, giant lump of WORRY. I haven't seemed to be able to get my focus back onto all of my pre-winter tasks. There is so much that has to be done and I am in an absolute mire! I have been thinking about money again. That always unravels me.
I start out thinking that "if I only had a thousand dollars" then I could get this thing done or pay that bill. The ante always gets upped. "If I had five thousand"...... "If I had ten thousand"... eventually it becomes, "If I won the lotto".
Pretty soon all I see is money, more specifically, I see money that I don't have. Then I start to get wigged out a bit.
It is a vicious circle. I can't get to work on my money making projects cause there is so much winter prep to be done that preys upon my mind. I don't get my winter work done because every time I try to accomplish something, I am so stressed out that I often have trouble breathing. Well, that is, I have had trouble breathing for the last three weeks. Sometimes I have chest pain just thinking about money. I live for the day that I am totally debt free. No mortgage. No truck payment. No doctor bills. No hospital bills. Just utilities and taxes and groceries. Then money will not hold sway over me any longer. I have come to hate money.
I need to get back to my place of emotional fitness. I need to lock everything out of my mind other then what I am doing at the moment. I need to see the goal instead of all of the shit and garbage that is wrapping itself around me as I try to wade through. This isn't how life should be. There is something better for me and I need to find it while I'm on this side of the grave.