What a week! I have accomplished more this week then I have in a very long time. Most of it is thanks to my grandson, Edgar. Yes, Edgar left his red wagon at Grandma's house. Sometimes the simplest things make great achievements possible. Okay I didn't achieve anything great. What I did do was plant two hundred trees and shrubs. I moved close to twenty buckets of clay. About ten buckets of gravel. I also planted six or so clumps of iris and some other various flowers.
In short, I have abused myself! I have many body parts that are telling me so. The palms of my hands still feel normal, but everything else seems to have a complaint to voice.
The sad part of this is that, as I look out over the yard and all the places I have worked this week, I don't see one bit of difference!! Considering the time, considering the aches and pains, when I look over the court yard at the very least things should shine. The clouds should part and an angelic chorus should be heard.... "Aaaaa-men".
I'm trying to think just what should I do next that will make things LOOK better! I really need for something to look as if it has improved! For those who don't know... reality bites! For some people it has bigger teeth. I wouldn't mind the aches if I could just get my reality to start looking more like my fantasy. Never mind. I will get it there. I have to, because it just isn't in me to slow down and be the typical middle age woman with my collection of teacups and angel figurines. That would be the ultimate form of personal abuse.
No, no no! I know who I am. I am the warrior woman and pain means nothing to me.
louie
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Hobbit playhouse day 1.... again
I suppose the attitude should be that anything worth doing is worth doing twice. That shall be my motto for today anyway. We have had almost a week of no rain, which is almost unheard of these days. The trenches have been pumped several times and it looks like today is the day.
There are certain projects on this wee farm that will represent a milestone, a turning of the corner... finally! The hobbit playhouse is one of these projects. I have worked for so long and so hard on that area! I've tried to do the prep for the garage for three years now. I just don't have sufficient time, equipment and resources to keep it dry and get it poured. It has become a very expensive hole. So now it is time to say I fought the good battle and to move on. Which really, really isn't easy for me.
The strange thing is that It has lightened my heart considerably to give up on this. But I totally cannot give up without a flip of my finger. So something must go there. Something must be a happy reminder of the work and sweat and cussing that went into that place. Besides we need a retaining wall. Concrete block, I've got, but retaining wall blocks are off in the future. Floating around me. Taunting me with their cost. Damn retaining wall block!
The other thing that the hobbit playhouse will do, is stand as a little monument that I can see a project through. I can envision a wonderful little thing and make it happen. Proof!! proof that I'm not a total idiot. I'm so excited about that!
The house, I am building for Mac. It is his. But the stuff out there... the elements that actually make up the dream, those are mine. I'm just so jazzed about starting on the "mine" part of this journey. And I really, really will take pictures!
louie
There are certain projects on this wee farm that will represent a milestone, a turning of the corner... finally! The hobbit playhouse is one of these projects. I have worked for so long and so hard on that area! I've tried to do the prep for the garage for three years now. I just don't have sufficient time, equipment and resources to keep it dry and get it poured. It has become a very expensive hole. So now it is time to say I fought the good battle and to move on. Which really, really isn't easy for me.
The strange thing is that It has lightened my heart considerably to give up on this. But I totally cannot give up without a flip of my finger. So something must go there. Something must be a happy reminder of the work and sweat and cussing that went into that place. Besides we need a retaining wall. Concrete block, I've got, but retaining wall blocks are off in the future. Floating around me. Taunting me with their cost. Damn retaining wall block!
The other thing that the hobbit playhouse will do, is stand as a little monument that I can see a project through. I can envision a wonderful little thing and make it happen. Proof!! proof that I'm not a total idiot. I'm so excited about that!
The house, I am building for Mac. It is his. But the stuff out there... the elements that actually make up the dream, those are mine. I'm just so jazzed about starting on the "mine" part of this journey. And I really, really will take pictures!
louie
Thursday, May 27, 2010
subconscious loathing
I just woke up. I woke up a half hour early because of a bad dream. Why would my mind do that to me?! My own mind took a person that I basically loath and placed them firmly in my home. I invite strangers in my house. I like having people come to my home, but not people that I loathe.... screws up the karma. My mind knew better then to do this!!
Then my books were scattered about and thrown into piles. I mean really... MY BOOKS!
Then there was a change of location, because that's what dreams do, and it wasn't a place I recognized. The evil one wasn't with us but apparently was near by. Then in my dream, I looked out the door and there he was going down the road on Pip .... I mean ON PIP!! I tore down the sidewalk. I called her name. In her fear she turned to try to come to me. She tried to find comfort and he was sawing on her mouth with the bit. She finally fought her way to me. I was screaming at him and when he got even with me, I grabbed his leg and started to haul his sorry ass out of the saddle. I was trying to scream at him some more when I woke up.
Well, there is good and bad represented in my dream. The bad is of course, the wretched person and his ability to create havoc. The good is that this is the first time that I have ever been able to act against forces in one of my dreams. It's like my control and effectiveness are getting better. Just wish it hadn't caused me to wake up with chest pains.
Must make a note to self to always carry my sword when dreaming. It simplifies things.
louie
louie
Then my books were scattered about and thrown into piles. I mean really... MY BOOKS!
Then there was a change of location, because that's what dreams do, and it wasn't a place I recognized. The evil one wasn't with us but apparently was near by. Then in my dream, I looked out the door and there he was going down the road on Pip .... I mean ON PIP!! I tore down the sidewalk. I called her name. In her fear she turned to try to come to me. She tried to find comfort and he was sawing on her mouth with the bit. She finally fought her way to me. I was screaming at him and when he got even with me, I grabbed his leg and started to haul his sorry ass out of the saddle. I was trying to scream at him some more when I woke up.
Well, there is good and bad represented in my dream. The bad is of course, the wretched person and his ability to create havoc. The good is that this is the first time that I have ever been able to act against forces in one of my dreams. It's like my control and effectiveness are getting better. Just wish it hadn't caused me to wake up with chest pains.
Must make a note to self to always carry my sword when dreaming. It simplifies things.
louie
louie
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
the big picture
Yesterday, I got one hundred hazelnut shrubs planted. I was a bit disappointed in my performance. I was hoping to get fifty maples in as well. Just not the woman I once was. (sigh)
I could slit plant only very few of the shrubs because they had enormous root systems on them, so most needed holes. A few needed gigantor holes. I kind of hit a wall around shrub no.25. But I kept looking over to the hill where the riding arena will someday go. Looking so much like the great hall of Rohan. No piece of shit oversized tin shed for me! thank you very much! Then there will be new fencing, much of it covered by the hedgerows. My horses will be grazing deep grass. There will be a small barn with a sod roof. There will be the hired man, Sven, with his rippling muscles and flowing golden hair.
I just kept dangling the big picture out there, like a carrot in front of a horse.
When I look across the land to the southeast, there is the downward slope that has been cleared for the maples. Someday it will be the sugar grove and we will , hopefully, try our hand at making maple syrup. What I see in my mind is a blaze of reds against an autumn sky. A team of horses pulling up the hill. Off the cart steps the hired man, his flowing brown hair pulled back in to a pony tail, his red plaid shirt complementing the foliage around him. His biceps bulge as he lifts the sap buckets from the trees.
It's just really, really good to plan for the future.
Then a little farther and you take the path down into the clearing in the woods. The ground has been leveled and drained and the foundations have been set for the big out door stone fireplace. The stone mason is there, sorting the rocks and levering the larger stones into place. He works and his flowing black hair falls across his shoulders. He glistens in sweat and flashes a brilliant white smile as he squares off the last corner.
You know, I am so glad that in my fantasy life I am able to hire good help. You just can't have too much of a good work ethic.
louie
I could slit plant only very few of the shrubs because they had enormous root systems on them, so most needed holes. A few needed gigantor holes. I kind of hit a wall around shrub no.25. But I kept looking over to the hill where the riding arena will someday go. Looking so much like the great hall of Rohan. No piece of shit oversized tin shed for me! thank you very much! Then there will be new fencing, much of it covered by the hedgerows. My horses will be grazing deep grass. There will be a small barn with a sod roof. There will be the hired man, Sven, with his rippling muscles and flowing golden hair.
I just kept dangling the big picture out there, like a carrot in front of a horse.
When I look across the land to the southeast, there is the downward slope that has been cleared for the maples. Someday it will be the sugar grove and we will , hopefully, try our hand at making maple syrup. What I see in my mind is a blaze of reds against an autumn sky. A team of horses pulling up the hill. Off the cart steps the hired man, his flowing brown hair pulled back in to a pony tail, his red plaid shirt complementing the foliage around him. His biceps bulge as he lifts the sap buckets from the trees.
It's just really, really good to plan for the future.
Then a little farther and you take the path down into the clearing in the woods. The ground has been leveled and drained and the foundations have been set for the big out door stone fireplace. The stone mason is there, sorting the rocks and levering the larger stones into place. He works and his flowing black hair falls across his shoulders. He glistens in sweat and flashes a brilliant white smile as he squares off the last corner.
You know, I am so glad that in my fantasy life I am able to hire good help. You just can't have too much of a good work ethic.
louie
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
time and tide
Today started with a bit of a panic attack. In a few days it will be June. CRAP!! How did that happen? The garden still isn't completely in, thanks to varmints and weather that swings from unseasonably hot to unseasonably cold. I have also been dealing with time wasters. Yesterday the belt broke on the mower. How is it that time becomes so much more precious the week before bill day, during serious illness and during panic attacks?
My to-do list (aka THE MASTER) has about five tasks on it today... all of which would be the big job on any other day's to-do list. What am I thinking?!! Why am I working myself into a froth? Well, it's like this.... I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE!! I don't want to have the snow falling and have Mac say, "I knew you were trying to do too much"... "I knew you couldn't get every thing finished that you wanted"... "I don't know what you were thinking".. "You're a silly woman"
When Mac and I first met and were married, he thought I was so smart, so capable, so fun to be with. Then a person in his family started chipping away at us. First the marriage and then the kids. I have often thought that if I had a dollar for every time that she said, with a roll of the eyes, "You KNOW what she's like" or ,"You KNOW what your mother is like", then I could have easily paid cash for this place. There was twenty plus years of incessant demoralization. So now I have, I admit, a chip on my shoulder the size of New York city and a desire to prove myself that is totally unhealthy. I finally have a summer with no hospital stays looming and I have three years worth of work to fit into one.
Once I finish my little panic attack, it is time to let loose the warrior woman. It is time to fight the battle. I will slice down whoever stands in my way. This time I am not fighting for someone else. I'm not fighting a disease. I am fighting for myself. I am fighting to finally be me again with out someone else's shackles of a crippling persona. I have been made so strong and I will drop on the field rather then yield. My battle is righteous.
Now, you will have to excuse me.... I have a list to attend to.
louie
My to-do list (aka THE MASTER) has about five tasks on it today... all of which would be the big job on any other day's to-do list. What am I thinking?!! Why am I working myself into a froth? Well, it's like this.... I DON'T WANT TO BE A FAILURE!! I don't want to have the snow falling and have Mac say, "I knew you were trying to do too much"... "I knew you couldn't get every thing finished that you wanted"... "I don't know what you were thinking".. "You're a silly woman"
When Mac and I first met and were married, he thought I was so smart, so capable, so fun to be with. Then a person in his family started chipping away at us. First the marriage and then the kids. I have often thought that if I had a dollar for every time that she said, with a roll of the eyes, "You KNOW what she's like" or ,"You KNOW what your mother is like", then I could have easily paid cash for this place. There was twenty plus years of incessant demoralization. So now I have, I admit, a chip on my shoulder the size of New York city and a desire to prove myself that is totally unhealthy. I finally have a summer with no hospital stays looming and I have three years worth of work to fit into one.
Once I finish my little panic attack, it is time to let loose the warrior woman. It is time to fight the battle. I will slice down whoever stands in my way. This time I am not fighting for someone else. I'm not fighting a disease. I am fighting for myself. I am fighting to finally be me again with out someone else's shackles of a crippling persona. I have been made so strong and I will drop on the field rather then yield. My battle is righteous.
Now, you will have to excuse me.... I have a list to attend to.
louie
Monday, May 24, 2010
Neither here nor there
My friend with cancer, the one I believed was just going through a tough time, is actually now in hospice. When you have cancer in your own family it is very easy to have this news be overwhelming. It is another opportunity to picture yourself in the same situation ... this could be me and Mac in six months, a year, maybe two. Hopefully not this way. I don't want to be defeated by this disease that we have battled for so long. I don't want to see my friend defeated either.
My time with my grandson, Edgar is saving me from going there. He will soon be two. He has a LOT of energy. His little life force forces me to keep focused on a better future, other possibilities. He makes me think about birthdays and christmases to come. He reminds me of the rule that we all have to live by while we are here.... you must choose life. Life is a river that sweeps up everything in it's path. It goes on and on and has no concern if we want to step off a bit. Children continue to grow, bills still need paid and the mold continues to bloom in the refrigerator.
I'm certainly on a roller coaster. One minute I am thinking of everything that I want to do with the "farm" and sharing my efforts with my grand kids and the next, I'm stopped dead in my tracks thinking of my friend.
The subtitle of my blog is "chasing the dream, through disease, mayhem and madness" Well, the disease is Mac's. The mayhem pretty much belongs to all of us in this family. Right now I feel like the madness is very much mine. But in time it will be alright. You see, that's when I'll choose life. It's really no choice at all.... you have to.
louie
My time with my grandson, Edgar is saving me from going there. He will soon be two. He has a LOT of energy. His little life force forces me to keep focused on a better future, other possibilities. He makes me think about birthdays and christmases to come. He reminds me of the rule that we all have to live by while we are here.... you must choose life. Life is a river that sweeps up everything in it's path. It goes on and on and has no concern if we want to step off a bit. Children continue to grow, bills still need paid and the mold continues to bloom in the refrigerator.
I'm certainly on a roller coaster. One minute I am thinking of everything that I want to do with the "farm" and sharing my efforts with my grand kids and the next, I'm stopped dead in my tracks thinking of my friend.
The subtitle of my blog is "chasing the dream, through disease, mayhem and madness" Well, the disease is Mac's. The mayhem pretty much belongs to all of us in this family. Right now I feel like the madness is very much mine. But in time it will be alright. You see, that's when I'll choose life. It's really no choice at all.... you have to.
louie
Friday, May 21, 2010
Set backs
(I want to dedicate today's post to my dear friend Pat. Right now she is feeling pretty punky with her cancer. Everyone please send her healing thoughts today)
This morning I woke up early and my brain started off and couldn't be stopped. I got to thinking about all the set backs that we have had. The big ones are obvious, of course, like Mac getting leukemia, the old house not selling, the high cost of not being able to keep building on schedule, Iowa's new found monsoon season..... the list goes on.
Financially, set backs pretty much have defined our lives. It has been one thing after another. We are living proof that "trickle down" economics should have been called "trickle on" economics. Most of our married years have been taken up by two massive recessions. The first was with the farm crisis and Savings and Loans establishments. But the young pups didn't remember all that stuff so they went out and did it again, but this time they did it with home mortgages, and since we didn't want the banks to go the same route as the S&Ls, they bailed them out.
Living in a small town was tough during the '80's recession. One by one the stores closed up. There was almost no where to go except a few restaurants and the grocery store. Getting a job was about the same. After a farmer in a neighboring county hung himself in his barn, farmers coming off the farm got preferential hiring and most of the "women's jobs" that had been in the stores downtown, were simply gone. When Mac became a teacher, he stepped into a $6,000. per year pay cut.
Emotionally, the set backs were even harder. Three kids and not having the where withal to care for them. They certainly didn't get all their wants. They didn't even get all of their needs. That is a regret that I will take to my grave. But the thing with going through set backs with the ones we love is that we can't stop. You have to build a life. You have to find fun. You have to make memories. You just have to keep moving... some way or another. It's like plopping a big rock down in a flow of water. You might stop the water for a bit. But the water will find a way around it's own set back. It will over flow or flow around or build up enough pressure that it finds a flow farther back, but it will find it's way. Just like that trickle of water, I'm going to redefine my flow. I won't be stopped. I'll just be a different me.
louie
(Pat, love you gobbers and bunches)
This morning I woke up early and my brain started off and couldn't be stopped. I got to thinking about all the set backs that we have had. The big ones are obvious, of course, like Mac getting leukemia, the old house not selling, the high cost of not being able to keep building on schedule, Iowa's new found monsoon season..... the list goes on.
Financially, set backs pretty much have defined our lives. It has been one thing after another. We are living proof that "trickle down" economics should have been called "trickle on" economics. Most of our married years have been taken up by two massive recessions. The first was with the farm crisis and Savings and Loans establishments. But the young pups didn't remember all that stuff so they went out and did it again, but this time they did it with home mortgages, and since we didn't want the banks to go the same route as the S&Ls, they bailed them out.
Living in a small town was tough during the '80's recession. One by one the stores closed up. There was almost no where to go except a few restaurants and the grocery store. Getting a job was about the same. After a farmer in a neighboring county hung himself in his barn, farmers coming off the farm got preferential hiring and most of the "women's jobs" that had been in the stores downtown, were simply gone. When Mac became a teacher, he stepped into a $6,000. per year pay cut.
Emotionally, the set backs were even harder. Three kids and not having the where withal to care for them. They certainly didn't get all their wants. They didn't even get all of their needs. That is a regret that I will take to my grave. But the thing with going through set backs with the ones we love is that we can't stop. You have to build a life. You have to find fun. You have to make memories. You just have to keep moving... some way or another. It's like plopping a big rock down in a flow of water. You might stop the water for a bit. But the water will find a way around it's own set back. It will over flow or flow around or build up enough pressure that it finds a flow farther back, but it will find it's way. Just like that trickle of water, I'm going to redefine my flow. I won't be stopped. I'll just be a different me.
louie
(Pat, love you gobbers and bunches)
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