Monday, April 30, 2012

A Thinking Day

Things have fallen into place so that this will be a day where I have a great deal to do. It is a Monday. Laundry day. And the house always seems worse for wear on a Monday so it is a cleaning day as well. The kitchen is kind of frightening. It's also bill day. My once a month day where I pace, write checks, make the grocery list, go to town, panic a little, balance the panic with rage. Ultimately, I finish by fantasizing about how things could possibly work out. Things could, possibly, maybe work out. We hang our hopes on happily ever after and if that doesn't work, we turn to escapist literature or really bad television. I have a lotto ticket to check, so hope still exists. But I feel better when I have a plan. Something a bit more concrete. Today, in between pacing and putting clothes in the washer, I have been thinking. And I think I have a plan.... I tend to imagine worst case scenarios in my plans and then work up from there. So, worst case scenario, Mac has his life insurance. He has his IPERS. But, he never set up his IPERS account so I would have an income if he should pass away. It has been set up as a one time pay out. To be paid equally between me and the girls. By the time I pay the debt off there might be enough to pay off half the mortgage. If I change to heating the house by burning wood and if I have the mortgage completely paid off... I think I can stay here. Staying here is paramount. If I go elsewhere to keep my lifestyle, I will lose access to my family, especially my grandkids. If I have to move int o the basement of one of the kids' then I lose my lifestyle. I'm not ready for that. I CAN'T give into that. So, the big plan is to ask Ellen Degeneres for help. Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that a television personality would help, but who else would have the resources? I think she is more then likely my only hope. And I have to place my hope somewhere? I seem to only be able to accomplish things when I am buoyed by hope. So this is my plan... this is my hope. Mac has been on a large dose of prednisone for a month now. He goes back to the oncologist soon. The graft vs. host is improved, but he has been having nose bleeds now. I stopped his aspirin regimen that was prescribed after the heart attack. That seemed to make things better, but he had another nose bleed this morning. The prednisone makes Mac depressed, irritable and always, always hungry. A person could get worn down if they thought about it too much. It's better to think about a plan. The plan is a diversion to thinking about the need for the plan. Today, on this thinking kind of day, the only plan I can come up with is to put my hope in Ellen Degeneres. Louie

No comments:

Post a Comment