The tax return came last week. With it came a deep sense of relief. Then I started to do farm math. I was tallying up every wish and desire. I made more phone calls to get insurance quotes. The last phone call I made took place while I was in town and it became unbearable. I ended up pulling the truck over and pacing in a deserted parking lot while talking to the insurance agent. It was a bit of a negotiation. Luckily, I had been doing my research and making calls. I could talk to my agent with more knowledge. I could tell her what other companies were charging. We talked about different options and we got it to a place where I could write a check and get what I needed.
I feel very blessed that the return was for about fifteen hundred. I know I will have to write a check to my mom for five hundred of it. The insurance cost another $624. Then I got a bit frivolous, I suppose. I spent around twenty bucks on feed and ordered my chicks. I bought wire to build a chicken tractor with and some taller horse wire for my emergency "gates" in the round pen. That came to eighty dollars. Then I spent another $38. on five small blue spruces to add to the wind break. Every spring a few more are added.
And then I had a small panic attack.
I'm not used to spending money. The original relief of having insurance and paying bills turned into horrible guilt and remorse and fear. To some extent I even felt like I was cheating on my husband. *I* was spending money not *him*. What the hell did I think I was doing?!! It wasn't fun and I didn't like it. They say you have to spend money to make money. I don't know if I can. It just really hurts too, too much. I look at the life I want and some of it will take money... how can I bring myself to do that? How will I pay the property taxes next time they are due? How will I pay the insurance? How will I buy grass seed? How will I make the little farm, a little profitable? What next?
I suppose the smart thing would be to go plant my spruces and see if a brilliant idea comes to me. I will see if my land will inspire me in how I should take care of it. It has been pretty smart so far. So much to think about.