Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Gift

I've been given an amazing gift today. It was a posting on Facebook. A friend commented on me and a stranger to me commented back.... "I want her life"

My life? You want my life?! My life with the poverty? My life with the immune system collapse and reactive airway disease? My life with the back that causes me to go through long spells of chronic pain. The life with the husband that has been afflicted with leukemia, not once, but twice.. the resulting venal occlusion of the liver, the graft vs. host? I had to wonder if they knew what long nights in the ICU were like. Do they know what it's like to have a Dr. tell me that if I take my husband home, he'll die?

That can't be what they are seeing. What is it? What do they see in me? How do they perceive my life? I've been trying to take a mental step back. I'm trying to see my big picture. I cannot speak for them. I don't know what they are looking for in my life, but tonight there was something that I realized about myself. And that is..... I can build a foundation. If necessary, I can build it with just my two hands. I will do it when I'm not sure that I will be able to build the walls. When that is done, I will build the walls, not knowing if I can build a roof. I will build a roof when I do not know if I can finish the house or if my husband will live in it with me. I do it, because it is the next step. I have to do it. It's the only thing to do.

I know what the dream is to be. The picture is indelibly etched on my mind. There is only one direction to travel. 'While my mind is on the picture, I am in the right now, taking the next step. Because that is all I know how to do.

I believe that people know what they are to be, what they are to do, but they are typically too strapped to conformity to pursue their own greater good. They have too much fear. Mostly they fear being perceived as foolish. I suppose that is my great luck that I really don't give a rat's ass about what people think of me, but I am so sorry that I waited so long to begin. Oh well, maybe this is the way it had to be.... maybe this is my own personal fullness of time. My journey. My next step. and because of one comment, by one person, that I don't even know, I feel renewed. I feel clarity.

I have been given such a wonderful gift!


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