I have made it through another bad bill day. The fact I hate paying bills is no secret, or that one of my greatest desires is to live mortgage free. Well, it is done for another month. Now I just have to find a way to breathe again. To get the nauseous feeling from my stomach. Get the gigantic, heavy lump out of my chest.
Today, I need to chase a cure. I'm not sure what to do exactly. I will chore the horses. I will carry water out to them and my body will settle into the familiar rhythms of scooping the water from the tubs and dumping it into their tank. Manual labor to burn the adrenaline from my body so that my mind can take flight. Let it travel to other places... safe places.
I am not sure what to do today. Torn between working on the round pen or going down to the woods and burning brush. At the moment I crave the therapeutic nature of fire. The horses are therapeutic also and I won't ever get myself back to playing with them until the round pen is finished. There have been times when I have spent a couple of hours with the horses and I could have sworn it was only twenty minutes. It amazes me that these creatures, so big, so strong, will subject themselves to us. It amazes me how those great brown eyes can look right through me and know what I'm about. But the round pen isn't finished, so the day won't be about horseplay.
I suppose I will just have to see what happens. I always feel better after a few days, knowing I have a month off before facing the bills again. But it is just too much. I am so tired of these trips to the abyss. But it's another day... a new day and that is more then what many people in this world will get. I'll take it.