According to the King Arthur movie "Excaliber" the secret of the Holy Grail was that the King and the land are one... well, that's not applicable here. So, there is me, the Queen, and the little farm and what we can do together. We only progress as I maintain the picture of what I want, as I hold tightly to my sanity, sinking in my claws so it doesn't escape.
Last night I had a moment of clarity. I was reading my new edition of Hobby Farm magazine and there was an article about a man who started his farm in the Seattle area. This man had some sort of job , which I don't remember, then he became a restauranteur, then he became a farmer. He said he became a farmer because he couldn't do the same thing day after day. Once the job no longer had a challenge, it no longer had an interest. He said the farm was challenging. So challenging that there were times when he almost quit and walked away.
I saw myself in that. I am a compulsive learner. I can't help but investigate processes. Despite the difficulties that we have faced, despite freezing my ass off lately, I can't be anywhere else. I can't quit and walk away. I can't. With this epiphany, my fire has been rekindled. This morning I feel some excitement about needing to dig fifteen post holes to enclose a half of my round pen. I've decided on my small barn and where I should build it. I went through some of my resource materials and once again got excited about chickens. Still thinking about some broiler crosses to get in the freezer right away and some Buff Orpingtons and Partridge Rocks for the beauty of them and the eggs. Check it out here....
The final piece that boosted my clarity was a visit with my banker. We have a twenty year mortgage and have paid out four years so far. If we can make additional principle payments each month then we can have it paid for right as Mac retires. I don't often believe in coincidence, so this must be on purpose... this must be right.
As long as I am here and I have even a fragile hold on my mind, then all will be well...... the Queen and the Land are one.