Thursday, November 10, 2011

Anger and Other Emotions

I've been sitting here at my desk and watching the sun sneak into the sky. But this is where I usually sit. Watching it's progress and marking the time until I pull on my warm clothes and head out to chore the horses. With the rain and the melting snow the horses are standing in mud and I am again feeling the push to get my new horse lots finished. Everyday I see reminders of the need for it. Everyday I get angry at my slowness... lack of equipment to move the posts... lack of a decent hand pruning saw even. I get angry that I need help and angry that I can't afford to hire any.

Then I see a glimpse of a shed or barn in the background of a movie, or a photo and I think," I can do that!, That'll work for the hay... or a run in... or a mini barn...." And in that moment, I have that feeling of elation. A problem solved. My life made better...easier. I just have to figure out how to build it.

Getting something done has it's feelings too. Though it has surprised me that it doesn't make me terribly happy. Instead it is like the relaxation of a bow string. It is a profound release. A prayer and a sigh..."Thank God that's done, It's over" T hen with that burden lifted, I can think clearer. I move on.

Always, there is the feeling that we aren't safe yet, and never is that feeling stronger then when we are heading into winter. I swing between being motivated by the feeling and being frozen in terror. All the while trying to hold down the reflux and trying to look normal. Telling myself to "Keep moving..Keep moving!" Every day of the year is about winter. Everyday I think that what I do on this day will help us survive the winter. Even in the first flushes of spring, the thought is there.. what will I do different so I can survive next winter?

But what this new lifestyle has given me is something priceless. I have been tested. I have been tested by nature and it has uncovered strengths and ingenuity, deeper purpose, greater passion for life. Because of all of that, today I will go into town and I will buy a new saw. The test goes on.


No comments:

Post a Comment