Huge Day

I have a huge, busy day ahead of me. Well, it needs to be a huge, busy day. It is yet to be seen if that is possible. I need to make some phone calls... I HATE making phone calls!! It's so masochistic. It's so throwing yourself on the train tracks of someone else's shitty moods. Phone calls just create shitty moods. Then you combine business with it and then it is just moody, depressing, shitty business. AAARRRGGHHHH! I hate making phone calls.

Then I have bills to pay, which I don't want to go into cause I feel worse about paying bills then I do about phone calls. Then I have a couple of projects that I need to try to work on. One I have been asking Mac to help me with for the last five or six months. Now it is cold and windy and I will be out doing it by myself.... or it won't get done. Needless to say, the resentment has become a bit overbearing. Twenty minutes of help when I need it saves me hours of work on my own, not to mention the hours it saves in me trying to muster the drive to face a task that I fear I will have to leave unfinished, because I simply can't do it on my own.

Stress is exhausting!!

But I can't think about this shit!! Because I have a huge day ahead of me! There is so much that needs to be done today.

I just really wish I could go back to bed. Sooth my depression by being unconscious.

Louie

Big Decision

Recently, I received some money from my mom for my birthday and as my christmas present. It gives me exactly $100.00. Usually I don't think twice about either spending my money to buy someone else's christmas present or I put it on a bill or buy groceries. It sits there... looking at me.

God knows, I have the bills.... I have places for the money to go! But I keep hanging on to it.

This year I really wanted to get the Parelli humanality/ horsenality match report. It tells me what my personality is and how to make it work best with my horses nature to achieve results. It costs $99.00. Some of my friends have gotten one done and they have been talking about it revealing things they were unaware of. I have been intrigued. Anyway, the match report was what I wanted for christmas and now the decision that I always make has become a painful decision.

So for now the money sits there.... I suppose eventually, I will do the right thing. It will go on a bill. But I am tired of paying for nothingness. Insurance for example Car, home, health and life and it's gone! Nothing tangible... nothing I can pick up... nothing that gives me pleasure. It's just gone. It's ethereal and I am needing so many REAL things here. And while the report , perhaps isn't so big or so real as lumber or concrete, it would be mine and it would give me pleasure.

I am being selfish. I know what is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can do the right thing this time. I guess, for now, that money and I will just keep starring at each other. We'll see what happens.

Louie