Monday, November 15, 2010

Just when you think.....

Yea, that's the way it goes... just when you think you are on an even keel, when things have found their bottom, when it's not going to get any worse.... guess again. It does get worse. In this particular case the getting worse was kicked off by losing internet access. The closest free wi-fi is ten miles away. So it's time to try and save up some bucks, find a new internet provider and start over.

That's bad enough. However it gets worse.... when the internet was lost, this led to a spirited conversation. The kind married people have on occasion. It was pointed out to me that what I envision, I am not capable of fulfilling. I lack the ability to make money so Mac doesn't want to hear about it. He is tired of my dreaming and scheming. I'm not to speak of it again.

I believe the gist of the discussion is that I am a failure. There is something in me.... something that's very angry, that just cannot accept that. So that which is deep inside me... which allows me to dream and scheme will live a life unto itself. I am separate from him. I cannot give up..... the warrior woman won't let me. Then there is that smoldering rage to contend with.

More then ever, I have to succeed. I'll succeed by myself, for myself. Alone does not mean weak. This sounds like divorce. No, it's not. It's just that the heart of me is alone.... it probably has been for a long time.



  1. YOu will succeed if that is important to you. There is nothing in life that says you have to succeed to be important. Success is actually just existance. You are already succeeding. Louie, you are so much of a success, you have great talent, wonderful imagination, I could go on and on. Just being is success. You are strong, maybe too strong right now, even though you may feel your weakest. The events you have been through over the last year or two are catastrophic, and hopefully also strengthening. Go stand by one of your horses and just let them soothe you.
    Mac is still hurting too, and just isn't able to support you emotionally right now. Times will change, hopefully soon.

  2. What is success anyway? Everybody defines it in a different way and different things are important. Some people feel they need to have a lot of material things to be successful, others just want to fulfill their dream...Going thru catastrophic illness, I can see how your husband has trouble to be supportive. Both of you have been thru a lot... I'm sure whatever you put your mind to, you will succeed!

    Petra Christensen
    Parelli 2Star Junior Instructor
    Parelli Central

  3. My real successes are my daughters, grand babies, friends and horses. They enrich me beyond words. And some day I will have built the life that allows them all to fit in comfortably.