Yea, that's the way it goes... just when you think you are on an even keel, when things have found their bottom, when it's not going to get any worse.... guess again. It does get worse. In this particular case the getting worse was kicked off by losing internet access. The closest free wi-fi is ten miles away. So it's time to try and save up some bucks, find a new internet provider and start over.
That's bad enough. However it gets worse.... when the internet was lost, this led to a spirited conversation. The kind married people have on occasion. It was pointed out to me that what I envision, I am not capable of fulfilling. I lack the ability to make money so Mac doesn't want to hear about it. He is tired of my dreaming and scheming. I'm not to speak of it again.
I believe the gist of the discussion is that I am a failure. There is something in me.... something that's very angry, that just cannot accept that. So that which is deep inside me... which allows me to dream and scheme will live a life unto itself. I am separate from him. I cannot give up..... the warrior woman won't let me. Then there is that smoldering rage to contend with.
More then ever, I have to succeed. I'll succeed by myself, for myself. Alone does not mean weak. This sounds like divorce. No, it's not. It's just that the heart of me is alone.... it probably has been for a long time.