I have recommended this book before... Sylvia's Farm. It has turned into my annual winter read. It comforts me. From the pages, she tells me that I'm not alone. Keep working. For every hardship there is a reward. It might only be the first flush of spring's green, but it lifts the heart.
Last night while reading, Sylvia posed the question, is it winter we fear or the not being prepared for it? I laid in bed thinking about this. I thought about having shelter for my animals... those here now and those to come. Safe fencing, of course. Continuing to plant my windbreaks and fence rows. Enough hay. Enough money for Christmas. Enough money to pay for heating. Coming out of winter with enough money to pay the spring taxes. I wonder if those things were taken care of if I could settle in for a good winter's hibernation. I wonder if my mind could rest. Would I crochet? Would I start drawing again? Would I bake?
This morning I look out on our first snow fall of the season. It is melting. I still have a little time. There are still posts to put in. I still need a run in shelter for the horses. The next weeks will be the test and then it will be time to cry "Uncle" and live with all that I have done... and all that I haven't.
Each winter I think of Little Finn, the mini, who died of the cold. Then I hope that no one will die or suffer as the result of my inadequacies. Do I do enough? Do I work hard enough? I have dropped in snow drifts when pulling buckets of water on a sled to the horses. I've gotten chilled through in freezing rains, sucked down by heavy mud. All small matters compared to Finn's death. I will never work hard enough. I can never make it right. And I can't let it happen again.
So I look out at what I have done, and I take a little time and look at Sylvia's farm... look through another's eyes. This winter has to be better then previous ones. We all have to be made safe and then we will tuck in for our winter's rest.
Louie
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Pit Bull Bite
I have heard that when a pit bull bites that their jaws can lock. Then the dog cannot release even if it wants too. Well, I think I'm starting to relate to that. Actually, my teeth are hurting. Some things I just can't let go of and with the weather turning, my bite increases. I have my grip on the hope of finishing my fence.
The fencing continues to slowly fall into place. I have posts in for about three quarters of the round pen. I have about fifteen tee posts to set. Then I need to make some decisions about gates.... still. Then string some wire and I have a horse lot and a round pen. If I can still get together seven more wood posts and around forty more tee posts and one more gate, then I have a second, larger horse lot. So close!! and I already have the tee posts.
I know I have become fixated. I know I rarely talk about anything other then fencing, but on a farm, fencing is more. It is safety for my animals... it is security. It tells hunters to stay the hell out. It means I won't go out this winter, wading through two foot drifts just to see Pip standing a quarter of a mile away behind the neighbor's house. It means my mind can be at ease and I can be free to think about something else. Oh God! I really, really want to think about something else. I promised my grandchildren to finish the upstairs so they have their own space when they come to stay. I want to think about that for awhile. I want to think about decorative painting. After two and a half years... I want curtains!!!
But for now, pretty isn't a priority.... safety is. My creatures must be safe for winter. Time is running out for the season, so my pit bull bite has intensified. My teeth are just going to have to hurt for a few more weeks.
Louie
The fencing continues to slowly fall into place. I have posts in for about three quarters of the round pen. I have about fifteen tee posts to set. Then I need to make some decisions about gates.... still. Then string some wire and I have a horse lot and a round pen. If I can still get together seven more wood posts and around forty more tee posts and one more gate, then I have a second, larger horse lot. So close!! and I already have the tee posts.
I know I have become fixated. I know I rarely talk about anything other then fencing, but on a farm, fencing is more. It is safety for my animals... it is security. It tells hunters to stay the hell out. It means I won't go out this winter, wading through two foot drifts just to see Pip standing a quarter of a mile away behind the neighbor's house. It means my mind can be at ease and I can be free to think about something else. Oh God! I really, really want to think about something else. I promised my grandchildren to finish the upstairs so they have their own space when they come to stay. I want to think about that for awhile. I want to think about decorative painting. After two and a half years... I want curtains!!!
But for now, pretty isn't a priority.... safety is. My creatures must be safe for winter. Time is running out for the season, so my pit bull bite has intensified. My teeth are just going to have to hurt for a few more weeks.
Louie
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tangents, Tangents, Tangents
I am always off on tangents. Running in whatever direction, trying to get whatever done so that life continues. Some days, I look at all of the directions I'm going and I just get confused. Recently with the electricity kerfuffle, I have just felt that I have been repeatedly throwing myself against the wall. The wall sure as hell wasn't moving and I was getting badly bruised. I was getting so angry that after I worked on the electricity as long as I could bear, I still had to go do something to work off the rest of my rage.
Well, now we have our electricity back. It isn't quite permanent yet, but close. We have temporary splices in place, need to get those converted to permanent and then buried and we are good again. I've also done some cleaning around the house, which still looks like a building site and got rid of three more bags of garbage. I know that sounds like nothing, but we are on a dirt road with no garbage pick up so we have to pack out our trash... not that it is difficult but it certainly is a pain.
I have done more brush clearing. You know those little "garages", the ones that are made of some sort of plastic, which isn't as good as a tarp and metal tubing? Well, I had purchased one of those and quickly found that it would not stand up to the winds that we get. So while cleaning brush, the garage got removed from a couple of small trees and more then enough wild rose bushes. Maybe it wasn't the biggest job in the world but it was one that I was dreading and it was finished because I had enough anger to tackle it.... hooray it's done!
I have done some mowing around one of the new horse lots so we can get in with some electric fencing. Not the final plan but closer to what I want. I have located all of the old fence post holes so they can be filled so a horse foot, or small child, won't disappear down it. Now to get the dirt hauled in and scooped into the holes. A few more posts and we will be running the wire.
I have a plan for a small barn!! I just have to talk my neighbor into it, as he will have to dig the holes for some absolutely huge timbers. First, the eight timbers. Then we just have to figure out the best way to do the roof.... for now. After all I do need to get my hay home!
My tomato starts are looking great! On one not good day, after unsuccessfully digging the trench, I came in to inspect the tomatoes. As it happened, there were only about seven wee cuttings that hadn't rooted, so they went in the garbage. Then I remembered that I had overheard a woman in a garden center one day. She was questioning another woman she was with about why she would buy rooting hormone. She said it was the same thing as vitamin B and the vitamins were much cheaper. I thought I would give the cheap method a whirl, especially as I have some vitamin B6 anyway. The tomato roots have gone crazy! They seem to be very happy. Soon I will need some soil and a grow light. I am afraid to price them though. I am so tired of being broke!
The best use of my recent anger has been my round pen. I have a little bit over half of my posts set. I am almost out of posts now. I will need more before I can finish. But it feels so good that I have gotten so close. A good day of post cutting with my neighbor and I should be good to get two lots finished up.... my fingers are tightly crossed.
Soon I hope some of these tangents that I am chasing down will no longer exist. Tasks accomplished and with it, I hope, clarity of thought. We will see, but in the meantime... daylights burnin'.
Louie
Well, now we have our electricity back. It isn't quite permanent yet, but close. We have temporary splices in place, need to get those converted to permanent and then buried and we are good again. I've also done some cleaning around the house, which still looks like a building site and got rid of three more bags of garbage. I know that sounds like nothing, but we are on a dirt road with no garbage pick up so we have to pack out our trash... not that it is difficult but it certainly is a pain.
I have done more brush clearing. You know those little "garages", the ones that are made of some sort of plastic, which isn't as good as a tarp and metal tubing? Well, I had purchased one of those and quickly found that it would not stand up to the winds that we get. So while cleaning brush, the garage got removed from a couple of small trees and more then enough wild rose bushes. Maybe it wasn't the biggest job in the world but it was one that I was dreading and it was finished because I had enough anger to tackle it.... hooray it's done!
I have done some mowing around one of the new horse lots so we can get in with some electric fencing. Not the final plan but closer to what I want. I have located all of the old fence post holes so they can be filled so a horse foot, or small child, won't disappear down it. Now to get the dirt hauled in and scooped into the holes. A few more posts and we will be running the wire.
I have a plan for a small barn!! I just have to talk my neighbor into it, as he will have to dig the holes for some absolutely huge timbers. First, the eight timbers. Then we just have to figure out the best way to do the roof.... for now. After all I do need to get my hay home!
My tomato starts are looking great! On one not good day, after unsuccessfully digging the trench, I came in to inspect the tomatoes. As it happened, there were only about seven wee cuttings that hadn't rooted, so they went in the garbage. Then I remembered that I had overheard a woman in a garden center one day. She was questioning another woman she was with about why she would buy rooting hormone. She said it was the same thing as vitamin B and the vitamins were much cheaper. I thought I would give the cheap method a whirl, especially as I have some vitamin B6 anyway. The tomato roots have gone crazy! They seem to be very happy. Soon I will need some soil and a grow light. I am afraid to price them though. I am so tired of being broke!
The best use of my recent anger has been my round pen. I have a little bit over half of my posts set. I am almost out of posts now. I will need more before I can finish. But it feels so good that I have gotten so close. A good day of post cutting with my neighbor and I should be good to get two lots finished up.... my fingers are tightly crossed.
Soon I hope some of these tangents that I am chasing down will no longer exist. Tasks accomplished and with it, I hope, clarity of thought. We will see, but in the meantime... daylights burnin'.
Louie
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Queen and the Land are One
According to the King Arthur movie "Excaliber" the secret of the Holy Grail was that the King and the land are one... well, that's not applicable here. So, there is me, the Queen, and the little farm and what we can do together. We only progress as I maintain the picture of what I want, as I hold tightly to my sanity, sinking in my claws so it doesn't escape.
Last night I had a moment of clarity. I was reading my new edition of Hobby Farm magazine and there was an article about a man who started his farm in the Seattle area. This man had some sort of job , which I don't remember, then he became a restauranteur, then he became a farmer. He said he became a farmer because he couldn't do the same thing day after day. Once the job no longer had a challenge, it no longer had an interest. He said the farm was challenging. So challenging that there were times when he almost quit and walked away.
I saw myself in that. I am a compulsive learner. I can't help but investigate processes. Despite the difficulties that we have faced, despite freezing my ass off lately, I can't be anywhere else. I can't quit and walk away. I can't. With this epiphany, my fire has been rekindled. This morning I feel some excitement about needing to dig fifteen post holes to enclose a half of my round pen. I've decided on my small barn and where I should build it. I went through some of my resource materials and once again got excited about chickens. Still thinking about some broiler crosses to get in the freezer right away and some Buff Orpingtons and Partridge Rocks for the beauty of them and the eggs. Check it out here....
http://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/partridge_rocks.html
The final piece that boosted my clarity was a visit with my banker. We have a twenty year mortgage and have paid out four years so far. If we can make additional principle payments each month then we can have it paid for right as Mac retires. I don't often believe in coincidence, so this must be on purpose... this must be right.
As long as I am here and I have even a fragile hold on my mind, then all will be well...... the Queen and the Land are one.
Louie
Last night I had a moment of clarity. I was reading my new edition of Hobby Farm magazine and there was an article about a man who started his farm in the Seattle area. This man had some sort of job , which I don't remember, then he became a restauranteur, then he became a farmer. He said he became a farmer because he couldn't do the same thing day after day. Once the job no longer had a challenge, it no longer had an interest. He said the farm was challenging. So challenging that there were times when he almost quit and walked away.
I saw myself in that. I am a compulsive learner. I can't help but investigate processes. Despite the difficulties that we have faced, despite freezing my ass off lately, I can't be anywhere else. I can't quit and walk away. I can't. With this epiphany, my fire has been rekindled. This morning I feel some excitement about needing to dig fifteen post holes to enclose a half of my round pen. I've decided on my small barn and where I should build it. I went through some of my resource materials and once again got excited about chickens. Still thinking about some broiler crosses to get in the freezer right away and some Buff Orpingtons and Partridge Rocks for the beauty of them and the eggs. Check it out here....
http://www.mcmurrayhatchery.com/partridge_rocks.html
The final piece that boosted my clarity was a visit with my banker. We have a twenty year mortgage and have paid out four years so far. If we can make additional principle payments each month then we can have it paid for right as Mac retires. I don't often believe in coincidence, so this must be on purpose... this must be right.
As long as I am here and I have even a fragile hold on my mind, then all will be well...... the Queen and the Land are one.
Louie
Thursday, November 3, 2011
What to do?
I'm trying to figure out my day. Things to do. Things that can't wait any longer. I have put off paying bills since the first and today is the third. No more procrastination. Bills!!! Bills make me crazy! I hate bills. I hate bill day.
In order to survive bill day I have come up with a survival method. While working on the bills I do my utmost to think about something else. I know, I know.. it sounds so simple, but it is incredibly difficult. Last night in preparation for today I did some research. I got on the computer and tried to find some historical architecture that resembled the architecture of Rohan. Thinking I could recreate a tiny little portion of Rohan captures my mind. It cheers me up.
I also have the inspiration of my barn dream and with that picture in my mind, I was reading whatever I could find of timber framing a small barn. I can do the timbers. As my timbers are still standing in the form of trees, I will need help getting them cut but, at least, I have them. So, there I go... a tiny little portion of my mind, and my hand calculator, will do the wretched bills. The rest of my mind will escape and calculate building sizes, roof spans, hay storage, turn around room for a horse and a pony. A safe place for small children to jump in the straw. Happy thoughts.
Life is good.... just as soon as you get past all the money shit. We just have to keep our minds on the life is good part.
Louie
In order to survive bill day I have come up with a survival method. While working on the bills I do my utmost to think about something else. I know, I know.. it sounds so simple, but it is incredibly difficult. Last night in preparation for today I did some research. I got on the computer and tried to find some historical architecture that resembled the architecture of Rohan. Thinking I could recreate a tiny little portion of Rohan captures my mind. It cheers me up.
I also have the inspiration of my barn dream and with that picture in my mind, I was reading whatever I could find of timber framing a small barn. I can do the timbers. As my timbers are still standing in the form of trees, I will need help getting them cut but, at least, I have them. So, there I go... a tiny little portion of my mind, and my hand calculator, will do the wretched bills. The rest of my mind will escape and calculate building sizes, roof spans, hay storage, turn around room for a horse and a pony. A safe place for small children to jump in the straw. Happy thoughts.
Life is good.... just as soon as you get past all the money shit. We just have to keep our minds on the life is good part.
Louie
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Last Night
Last night I had a dream. Not my usual kind with extreme plots, location jumping and in general, weird and busy crap going on. Last night I dreamt I had a barn. It was so nice! It wasn't huge but big enough. There was a small loft. Hay was stacked in a corner on the ground floor. Earthy warmth coming off the animals.
It seemed to be built of huge rounded timbers and the infill between the timbers was plastered over, like a wattle and daub, or straw bale or slip straw would be. It was heavy and safe and it felt so damn good being in there, and that is what I remember most about the dream, that it felt so good.
If only it were true. That is where I would spend my day today. Sequestered in that peaceful warmth where I didn't have to think about anything else. No worries about electricity. No money worries. No thinking about buying LP for winter. Just hay and warmth and peacefulness.
I think this is going to be my happy thought for the day, as I sit here and listen to the thunder and watch the rain fill in my trench. All one hundred and twenty feet of trench. (sigh)
Louie
It seemed to be built of huge rounded timbers and the infill between the timbers was plastered over, like a wattle and daub, or straw bale or slip straw would be. It was heavy and safe and it felt so damn good being in there, and that is what I remember most about the dream, that it felt so good.
If only it were true. That is where I would spend my day today. Sequestered in that peaceful warmth where I didn't have to think about anything else. No worries about electricity. No money worries. No thinking about buying LP for winter. Just hay and warmth and peacefulness.
I think this is going to be my happy thought for the day, as I sit here and listen to the thunder and watch the rain fill in my trench. All one hundred and twenty feet of trench. (sigh)
Louie
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
So Frustrating!
Today I begin day four of trench digging. It should be the last day, which is good, because I am sick of it! Every hour I spend working to get the electricity back to normal is an hour that I am not spending on fencing or winter prep. I am hitting that horrible spot where the frustration is getting intolerable. A lot of reflux. A lot of rage.
There are five tasks that must be accomplished before the first snow fall... other then the electricity. The fencing on at least one horse lot must be completed. The roof peak needs to be done over. A shed built. Hay storage completed, with hay installed. Lastly, the dryer vent needs to be moved as it is currently on the west side and the wind rips through there very badly.
I can get so much more done if I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed. And that reminds me of Star Trek. Towards the end of Next Generation when Data gets his emotions chip. On occasion, he was reminded to turn it off while on away missions so that his emotions wouldn't hinder his effectiveness. Unfortunately, I don't have an emotions chip. I have to try to accomplish everything while being frustrated, overwhelmed, angry or afraid. It sucks.
Somehow, things have to get better soon.
Louie
There are five tasks that must be accomplished before the first snow fall... other then the electricity. The fencing on at least one horse lot must be completed. The roof peak needs to be done over. A shed built. Hay storage completed, with hay installed. Lastly, the dryer vent needs to be moved as it is currently on the west side and the wind rips through there very badly.
I can get so much more done if I'm not frustrated or overwhelmed. And that reminds me of Star Trek. Towards the end of Next Generation when Data gets his emotions chip. On occasion, he was reminded to turn it off while on away missions so that his emotions wouldn't hinder his effectiveness. Unfortunately, I don't have an emotions chip. I have to try to accomplish everything while being frustrated, overwhelmed, angry or afraid. It sucks.
Somehow, things have to get better soon.
Louie
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