And Then What Happened...?

What mayhem we had this year!!! I felt off balance throughout the christmas holiday. I think much of that could have been from getting sick right before the holiday. Nothing like fever, chills and a head that feels like it will explode, to kick off the holiday season.

But once on my feet, I was off and running. Mostly shopping, I did not do so well with my goals of present making. Even so, our entire christmas budget ran right around $350. We did not do much to add to the coffers of the CEOs or the mega-rich.... hooray!! Wrapping was accomplished in a day and a half and then we had Christmas at my oldest daughters. We got there early and I baked pies and sweet rolls. Isn't it too bad that cinnamon isn't an aphrodisiac? Really, it should be! Better then choking down raw oysters or pulverized rhino horn.... anyway, I digress..

I got my books that I wanted for christmas. Farm books!! I have even more ideas now! I think everyone was, if not overjoyed, at least content, with their christmas. Food was wonderful. There were no catastrophes at home. The house was intact, animals healthy and inside their fences. The cat, Pyewacket, was sitting on a stack of concrete block waiting for us. Everyone safe and sound was my ultimate christmas present.

Then we relaxed a bit. Grandsons Edgar and Oscar came to visit for a couple of days. Edgar and I did a great deal of tromping through woods, up and down hills and back and forth to the horses. I definitely worked off my cinnamon roll! This was topped off with an old friend coming for a visit overnight. He left us with some really nice lettuce and some smoked cheese and we sent him off with the rest of the breakfast scones.

Which brings us to last night. I had a dream......

A miracle had occurred. I was in Pagosa Springs, CO., at the Parelli ranch and I found myself trouncing up the hill, baggage in hand, with a group of other people. We were all excited and chatting away. Someone got us sorted out and baggage disappeared. We went into groups. Then Linda Parelli came and spoke to us. Then Pat Parelli followed up and we were invited to ask questions. We were all once again in a huge chatting crowd and heading out to a bonfire and cook out. I grabbed my hat while I was speaking to Pat. I put it on but it didn't fit anymore. Pat jokingly said that it looked like I needed to get that fixed as he moved on up the hill. I hung onto the brim but eventually the wind picked up and carried my hat away. When I turned to snatch at it...

I was in the hold of a huge cargo ship. It was flush full of fruit and vegetables. But the produce wasn't in boxes and crates and bins, it was all on display on big angled tables like a street market. People were everywhere. Venders shouting. Money and product changing hands. A boisterous riot of color and sounds and smells. Then I turned again....

The ship was empty. The tables empty. The people gone, except for one man. He was shouting up to the captain that we were heading into rough water. A storm was brewing. The captain shouted orders back. The only ones I understood were to tie down and brace yourself.

Then I woke up, with drool dried to my face and wondering just how far off track had I gotten. I pulled on some clothes in the changing light and went out to chore the horses. Which brings us to now. It seems that it is time to start again. I just have to find my hat first.

Louie

The Breakthrough

I have a friend who went to a Parelli horse clinic this last weekend, Hilary and her horse, Susie. She has been sharing some of the things that they did together, some of the stuff they had trouble doing together, stuff they needed help with, followed by the BREAKTHROUGH! Must admit, I am a bit green with envy. Not necessarily the clinic part as much as what it feels like to get to the breakthrough. That moment in time when the look on your horse's face as well as the look on your own is..."Holy Cow! I get it!" It's priceless.

While I was reading my friends notes on her clinic adventures, my mind kept going back to a particular day with Pip. I had a different pasture set up then and was able to get Pip and Chloe into separate areas. It was too large of an area and it wasn't round but when I got Pip into the smaller lot at least Chloe couldn't keep coming up and biting her on the butt.

We had mastered getting the halter on. That had been a helluva task considering that her previous "halter training" had boiled down to trapping her and forcing the halter onto her head. I am not set up to trap. I can't wrap my mind around it. Pip has to willingly put her head into her halter. Nothing less will do. So after the halter, Pip had to re-learn leading. Then we played lots of friendly games so she could accept touching. Then on to what Parelli calls porcupine games. These are so you can move the horse in particular ways... maybe just backwards or a front end yield or a rear end yield.

Pip tends to plant her front end so we were going to start with an easier rear end yield. I started with my stick so I would be out of the kick zone. Placed the tip on the flank right in front of the hip bone and began steady pressure. Gradually the pressure increased. Then Pip got agitated and her first thought was to lean into the stick. Of course, that made the pressure worse. The stick was bending. She was going from one foot to the other, not sure what the answer was. Then I lifted her lead rope slightly. Her face was hard and her ears were back a little. The lift on the rope kind of looked like it gave her the idea that turning her head and giving me a good bite was exactly the answer she was looking for. But for her head to come to me, she had to swing her butt away. The second she stepped away, the pressure of the stick stopped. The stick dropped. I went into a relaxed posture, smiled and let out a breath.

If you aren't a horse person, then you think that a horse's face, is a horse's face, is a horse's face. But when you are familiar with them, you see the same realm of expression that you see on another human. I got to see several expressions in rapid succession on Pip at that moment. She got it. She had her "Holy Cow!!" moment. I was so excited, so jubilant and in that moment I was addicted to trying to get the expression back. I think she got kind of addicted too, probably not the same way as I did, but she seemed to think it was pretty cool that she could evoke that response from me.

Pip is an incredibly fast learner. A couple times through something and she has it. That is why I have been knocking myself out with the fence. It isn't just containment. It's about having the area set up to create puzzles and tasks, because once Pip gets it, we need to move on. Once we start, we are never going to stop again.

Our goal is never ending self improvement and with that in mind I have volunteered to be an obstacle judge on an ACTHA ride this next Sunday. I hope to bring home lots of ideas and inspiration. It won't be like a clinic. I'll be going alone so there won't be any "Holy Cow!!" moments for us, but it's a start. It's a direction. I want to be doing, not having anymore "green with envy" moments.

I'm excited.

Louie

Ups and Downs

Yesterday was a really tough day. I was jousting at wind mills again. I am still fighting the battle of trying to get our mileage reimbursement from the insurance company. The money, of course, is desperately needed. Isn't it always?

Originally, the insurance company said that it reimbursed gas so save those receipts. Didn't do parking. Did do a hotel, but you had to have the hotel generated receipt and not a credit card receipt... NO credit card receipts. Later we got another letter stating that they had changed the underwriter that took care of the reimbursements. New rules! No gas receipts, they wanted mileage. Of course I hadn't written down any mileage as I had been saving gas receipts. Now that we are going through this kerfuffle and went through Senator Harkin's office to try and get it resolved, we are back to... you need receipts, which , of course, I threw away because I got a letter......

Then again, we all know that the purpose of an insurance company is to take your money, deny medical treatment for at least awhile, with luck you will be dead, and then, just for good measure, drive the surviving family member to suicide. What can I say... it seems to be a system that works. Well, it works for them anyway, and as americans, it is our duty to allow corporations to have obscenely lucrative profits. Right now, I hate insurance companies. I hate doctors, especially doctors that say they won't treat a patient anymore until their bill gets paid.... the bill that is suppose to get paid with the money that you thought you would get from your mileage reimbursement from the insurance company.

We also thought that the reimbursement would pay for the house and car insurance. Kind of a "in the right hand and out the left" situation. But there is no right hand. Bastards.

Those were my downs.

My ups were going to my garden and finding remnants of four different tomato plants. I decided to try an experiment. I took cuttings from the tomatoes and set them in water to try and root. I know it works with geraniums and spider plants. Tomatoes will root along their stems where they have ground contact so we will give this a try. It will save money in seed next spring if it works.

The tomatoes helped my mind but it is the horses that give me my calm. I will be so glad when I can figure out how to get my round pen. Since there is no money, I continue to look at the resources at hand. I wish I were stronger... physically and mentally. Wish I could work longer days. Lift heavier loads. I wish things were better.

Louie

The Plan

The plan continues to come along. It continues to be enriched. We have three sides, the farm itself, the small business and the horses. Right now, it is the horses that have my attention.

As I try to make my big picture happen for the horses... the Parelli center, rotational grazing with premium pasture and good, safe fencing, facets continue to be added. The plan seems to be unfolding now of it's own accord. I just need to keep up.

The time must be ripe because Mac has agreed to trying the mustang halter project. So, now the next evolution to the plan is to add mustang pens. Today it has finally clicked on where those should go. It will flow right in with the rest of the horse facility, as if it was the plan all along. The cogs of the universe click together.

I suppose I should feel excited. I don't. I feel like I am plodding into the next step. I am exhausted this morning but I feel resolute in the path that I need to take.... mustangs are coming to the Renaissance Woman Farm.

It's the right thing to do.

Louie

Hay

I might have a new guy to cut my hay. He will give me a call beginning of next week. He is a young guy that is going to school to become a teacher. He is a mennonite. He has been teaching in a mennonite/amish school, where you don't have to be certified or licensed. I applaud that he wants to improve his education so he can pass it on.

We talked at length. He looked down my post holes. Said I was doing a lot of work. He also said that if I had wanted help with post holes, he and his family could have shown up and could have had fifty holes done in an hour or so .... AN HOUR OR SO? WHERE WERE YOU TWO WEEKS AGO!!!

We will work a different deal then I had before but it should give me some cash to get things done... not a lot of cash, but some.

We talked about grasses, soil depletion and fences. We talked about horses. When I mentioned laying out my round pens, he asked if I would use them to break my horses. I kind of chuckled and told him that, "we do not break horses". He tried out some other verbs. I told him "we train horses, so they have better options for surviving in the human's world". Then he chuckled.

Perhaps this is the way this will work out for us... better options all the way around. I will know by the beginning of next week.

Louie

De-sensitization

De-sensitization... that's what it is called now. It's smarter. It has a reason. It is a process of teaching a horse that something that appears scary, really isn't. Now, you have to use some judgement. First what is the horse worried about? Let's say it's those crinkly, floaty bags you get from the grocery store. You could start by tying one to the fence wire then doing approach and retreat... always giving plenty of retreat and thinking time. Then start using the bag. I use it to carry treats to the pasture. After a few days of that then the horse will be chasing the things around the pasture. Then you are ready to tie the bags to your stick and rub the horse all over.

You take your time... you make the horse braver.

The old way of doing this had nothing to do with thinking. It was called sacking out. If your horse spooked over anything you tied them up tight to a post, snubbing their heads down good and beating them repeatedly with a saddle blanket. Apparently, this started out to get a horse over spooking about having the blanket and saddle thrown over their backs. I would see it used for everything. Your horse spooked over anything, back to the post and go at them with the saddle blanket.

I suppose it worked in that the horse was terrified of showing his fear. It didn't make him not have any fear. Inside they either went numb or crazy.

My mother is a practitioner. She is the queen of emotional sacking out. It used to be that she suffered so from the poverty of her youth. Then she suffered so taking care of Dad when he had congestive heart failure. Now we are being beat with "the Dr says she is going to die at any minute." Inside, I run away. Outside, I am just frozen and numb.

Last Sunday, as I mentioned before, she got the girls down here to talk about her dying. As she left, Kate, Evelyn and I walked her out to her car. Evelyn was running around, hopping like a grasshopper. Mom was still droning on about dying. As she got into the car, she said, "I don't want you girls to be sad. Evelyn, tell your mommy not to be sad." Evelyn turned and looked at Kate, who stood there with a big smile on her face. In a totally chirpy voice she responded, "Oh I'm not sad!"

Mom shut up.

In that moment, a beam of light streamed through the clouds in shades of pink and blue and gold. There were angelic voices of heaven. No doves, but that's okay, there's plenty of bird poop here already. As the beam of light receded, the chorus finished with a lengthy...AAAaaaa-men.

To this tired, beaten up horse, it was a beautiful thing.

Louie

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The good, the bad and the ugly. That was my day yesterday. Luckily I did start out with the good. I had taken a load of water out to the horses with the truck. They were given their pellets. I unloaded the water. Then made a spur of the moment decision to walk their pasture lot quick and see what trees I had on the ground down in the woods. Logs of the right size can be made into easy jumps, or edge a drive, block an area, so thought it would be good to make an assessment.

I went under the gate wire, walked past the munching horses and descended into the little woods. Some of the logs had been cut and just left where they had dropped a very long time ago. Most of those will be burned in place. Some will be cut for erosion control. Some will be chained to the truck and get pulled out to be used. While I was grading the downed trees I turned to look at a couple of standing trees that I wanted to cull and saw Pip coming towards me.

I was a little surprised by her approach. Due to heat, rain, extreme sun burn, poison ivy, you name it, it has been awhile since we played, and she had grown aloof. At feeding time, I would put my hand over the fence and look away and wait for her touch. It didn't always come and I feared that I had lost everything we had accomplished. I tried to not watch her approach and just continue what I was doing. Cut this one, burn that pile, cull this one. And then there was a great blonde head, resting quietly against the back of my arm. Head down, ears relaxed. I turned slightly and gave her jaw scratches. Her eyes drooped and she let out a contented sigh. Together we worked our way through the little copse of woods. When ever we stopped she became my pocket pony. When we walked, she stayed about a foot behind my arm. Each moment of our time was sublime. It was perfect.

I could have spent the day there but it motivated me to get going! I have holes to dig. A decent fence to get up. A play yard for me and the girls! I drove the truck up behind the house where I have been working on the post holes. I then decided that I would proceed with a new method. Instead of digging on a hole until it was done, I would start a bunch of holes and get them filled with water and soften up the clay. I'd work smarter , not harder. So, I hopped into the truck, turned the key and ...... click, click, click. Okay, that's not good. Turned the key again..... click, click, click. Every time I turned the key, the same clicking. This was the bad part. Not only have the years, the miles and genetics been unkind to me, but now my mood was pretty ugly too.

All this and it wasn't even 11:00! I really hate getting bad news before noon. I then spent the afternoon trying to settle my own mood and figure out how to tell Mac in a fashion that wouldn't upset him. I managed to keep it calm. It helped that I could throw in a comment from a friend, "Larry, thinks it might just be the battery cables"

Well, around seven he went out to check it out. As he got into the truck, I again went through all of the symptoms. He got in and turned the key. It sounded like it wanted to turn over, then went into the clicking. He turned the key back. Waited a second then tried to start it again. It turned right over. As a matter of fact, it started right up six more times. I didn't know if I should be relieved, or totally honkin' pissed off! The truck had made me look like a ...... woman!

Good thing I have my horse, because my truck is totally a traitor!

Louie

When I grow up...

I am fifty-three years old and I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I always have ideas, and to be honest, some of them are ...FANTABULOUS!!! But no matter how much I push, how much I prep, how much I learn and try to mold the situation, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me.

A long time ago I had the opportunity to visit with a man who worked assisting micro business start up. We talked. I kept throwing out ideas and talking about directing a business... things that could be done... possibilities. After awhile he got quiet and then he said, "You know, You're a visionary." Well, it was very nice of him to say, and I will always treasure it. It is much nicer then "a silly dreamer who will never see anything come of her notions"

So, now I sit here and recollect all of the dreams that I have dreamt. All of the things that I wanted to become and couldn't. All of the failures. Amidst all of this rubble, I want to start a new dream. As a part of making the little farm a reality, I also want to make it a satellite Parelli facility. Parelli doesn't actually have such a thing.... yet. But I feel it coming.

The hospitals left me feeling like a shell, with so much claustrophobia. The horses heal me. I feel like I have to go this direction. I feel a bit driven, truth be told.

So whether it is a silly dream or a vision... when I grow up, I want to have a little farm where I grow mushrooms and make syrup, and people will come from all over to become horsemen. They will come empty and they will leave full. I will be something and it will be good.

Louie

Me, Myself and I

The dynamics of our family changed somewhat when Mac was diagnosed with leukemia. His original diagnosis was over five years ago. Recurrence, a bit over two years ago, then the stem cell transplant, two years ago. Venal occlusion of the liver was a year and a half ago. Graft vs Host is still current.

We all take care of Mac. The girls do an excellent job of going out of their way to do the things that make him happy. Doctors have taken care of him. Nurses have taken care of him. Anyone who has ever heard that he has had leukemia tries to be positive and nurturing.

I'm thinking that there are so many people taking care of him that maybe it wouldn't be noticed if I took some time and took care of myself a bit. I'm needing something more then a nap and a hot bath. No one else can. It's up to me

I know a lot of people just don't get it, but nothing brings my strength back to me better then my horses. Precious little makes me as happy. They transport me out of my troubles. So... I am putting myself and my horses in the top spot for a little bit. Just the thought of that makes me inwardly cringe.... makes me feel guilty. But I feel myself slipping away. Yet the chance of my own redemption , as it were, is trotting across the ground, back there, now.

Nobody takes care of the caregiver. So, I need to give it a try.

Louie

Motivation.....what motivation?!

It seems that every time I get that much needed motivation then my life has to unravel a bit. At least, far enough that the motivation is lost. That's the way it felt after the Dave Ells clinic. It was one Eureka!! moment after another. I could see why the Parelli program unrolled the way it did. Thought I could even see the steps for the continuation of development. I felt so jazzed! then comes the emotional battering of a doctor visit. I know, I know.... a doctor visit should just be a doctor visit. Mac had only one more visit to go to be past his *magic* three year mark when they found that his leukemia had recurred. So a doctor visit for us is more of an immersion in angst. Plus we have had the general busyness of our two and a half year old grand daughter, Evelyn.

Typically, my hurdles have been enough to quell any motivation.

I think the heat wave may be over now and I think I have my big girl panties are cinched up just right. Mac is better. I possibly have two quilt orders. It rained pretty good yesterday so might be able to get out there and start digging post holes. Things could be just fine.

We could do this... really! I still have my motivation. I'm still pondering over everything that I have learned recently. I've learned new ways to do stuff. Not just horses but lots of farm organization methods. Brains are so full that I keep getting pressure pain in the right frontal lobe.

As long as I have my motivation....I can do this.

Louie

Shifting lanes

I had the most awesome time at the Dave Ellis clinic. I learned so much. He has such a great ability to leave with you feeling like you did good. If you learned something that made you equipped to master a skill, then next year we can just REALLY go to town. Throughout the clinic he stressed Pat Parelli's eight principles. Of the eight, the ones he especially stressed were 2) Don't make OR teach assumptions.... 3) Communication is mutual, two or more individuals sharing a thought or idea... 5) the ATTITUDE of justice and 6) body language is universal.

There was so much information under each item. And it was so incredibly exciting to be able to just forget everything else and think about the horses mentality and abilities. I so don't want to forget ANYTHING!

But life shifts lanes. Little Evelyn is staying with us for a week. As I watch Mac and Evelyn dance in the living room to Yo Gabba Gabba, I have to wonder .... wonder if they would notice if I slipped out to the garden.... maybe the woods.... maybe to the pasture... anyplace where I can't hear Yo Gabba Gabba.

Louie

I Have to be Good at This

There are some things that are so intrinsic to my nature that I can't imagine that I wouldn't be good at it. I HAVE to be good at it. It would be unthinkable to not be good at it because it would invalidate the reason for my existence.

I HAVE to be a good mom/grandmother. I HAVE to take good care of Mac. I HAVE to be a good steward of my land. Other people get that about me. What they don't get is why, especially at my age, I have to feel so strongly about horses. The answer is .... I don't know. But I remember being nuts for horses around the same time as being toilet trained. I know, first memories are strange and random, aren't they? Anyway, the point is, horses are such a part of me that I HAVE to be good with them. They are woven into the tapestry of my nature.

I have been given the opportunity to help out with two, two day clinics running back to back. Four days of HORSES!! Four days of trying to get good with them. I'm excited, a little scared. Really thankful.

I leave in about ten minutes..... I hope I don't barf.

Louie

Hayfields and Horses

When we first came here, the majority of the property was under the crop reserve contract. Because of this we had almost no access to our own land. The horses, by necessity were in a smaller pasture arrangement right behind the house. Whatever I did outside they were there watching me. I think they realized that if they starred at me long enough that I would cave in and take them some grain, pull some grass for them or sometimes mow the perimeter for them. We refer to the mower as the salad shooter. But now they are in a pasture at the back of the property. Part of the front pasture has been taken down and returned to hay. the rest has been changed up, realigned. Measured up and made a much straighter rectangle, as the old wonky one was driving Mac nuts.

But I miss their faces. I miss them calling to me. I miss dropping everything and just hanging with them.

We had wanted to keep as much ground in hay as possible in order to make money. Then the spring was so long and cold that it was a very slow start. Then the weather so wet, it was almost impossible to get into the hay field to cut and bale. Now we are looking at a week of temps in the nineties and hundred. The grass won't grow when it is so hot. It looks as if this isn't going to be a good hay year.

If I had the money, I would just set a lot more fence and do rotational grazing with the girls. At least that would save me from having to buy so much hay and the best part would be that I would get to see them more often. They would be there reminding me that they are the reason that I started all of this. They are a great deal of my quality of life.... especially important in case there isn't long life.

I spend too much time thinking about money. Thinking about how to make every thing better "if i just had this much money I could do....." So, I am going to give up on some hayfield. I'll find a way to fence..... somehow. The girls and I are going to have more quality time and I know I'm going to be happier. That, after all, is the goal.

Louie

RENAISSANCE WOMAN FARM: the home game

The ultimate to-do list has been made and put into an organizational format. I'm sure I missed some stuff, but it will surface later. I will list what I have so far. If you'd like, print it off and follow along at home. Cross items off the list as I finish projects. In effect.... feel my pain.
The four categories that we have to choose from are.... HOUSE .....OUTDOORS ...HORSES .... BUSINESS/FARM. Pick your playing pieces and give that spinner a twirl!

And you have landed on ... OUTDOORS!! (studio applause) Before the end of the game you will need to accomplish the following items..build a shed
make an additional three garden beds
level an area and move the greenhouse frame onto it
take down old satellite dishes
build a screech owl box
build an outdoor kitchen consisting of 1. a fireplace, 2. a gas grill wall, 3. an oven
build garage
transplant ditch lillies to beds surrounding the L.P. tank and to the wetlands
build hobbit house and finish the play yard
start terracing the garden
move and raise TV antenna
continue mowing back grass for hay field expansion
continue driveway drainage tube and cover with gravel
build outdoor shower
Thank you contestant no. 1, you've been a great sport!

Now for our next player. ( Amid great applause) Oh my, listen to that. You've brought some fans with you! And the spinner has landed on....BUSINESS/FARM! lucky you! and you're first task will be to
sew a baby quilt by July 16
finish prototype for the jumping pony christmas ornament
web page
design logo wear
sew christmas stockings for sale
make a video of building the hobbit house
package the scrap book ornament
create five items of garden art
make some hydro tuffa planters
finish second small quilt.... and now to the farm items!
make final decision on and order plants for hedge row
order app. 300 hazelnut trees
organize and start grow containers for 100 blue spruces and 100 sugar maples
clear sufficient undergrowth in woods to accommodate 15 mushroom beds
order morel spore
build evaporator and shed for processing black walnut syrup
That was really wonderful player no. 2!

Oh my! I'm absolutely atwitter as we wait for contestant no.3. Isn't this exciting folks?! And our third player has gotten the category of ....HOUSE! Goodness gracious I can hardly wait to see how this ends! And here are your tasks!
build a built in oven cabinet
build 2 behind the toilet wall cabinets for bathrooms
finish the loft flooring
2 built in cabinets south side of loft
finish upstairs bathroom sink
paint exterior trim
apply metal lathe
apply masonry scratch coat
finish last two pieces of soffit trim
caulk trim
build deck for loft egress
build downstairs bedroom wardrobes
finish dining room buffet
solar collectors for south facing windows
get a storm door for the deck door
fix roof ridge
build 2 kitchen shelves
install post support adjacent to kitchen
tile downstairs shower
small floor cabinet for downstairs bathroom
finish interior window trim
build pantry
Oh my that was an exciting round!

Now player no. 4 you will get the category of HORSES by default. Now this may not be as long of a list but the items do have a great deal of detail. Also keep in mind, that more then most of the items in the previous categories, it is important that the majority of these items be finished before winter. There is some pressure here. Good luck player no. 4!
build a honeycomb set up of round pens consisting of one 40 ft. pen, one 50 ft. pen and two 70 ft. pens
build two run in sheds
build a cistern to catch surface water
pull fence posts from original position
build new fence with long run measuring app. 2000 ft. two short sides consisting of 200 ft.
build a small barn consisting of two smaller buildings with a connecting breezeway roof
assess and pass your Parelli level one
assess and pass your Parelli level two online

Now while we are waiting for our players to accomplish their tasks, lets go have a margarita! And thank you everybody for playing! Bye-bye!

Gosh! that was fun!
Louie

Rampant Brains

It is at least eighty degrees out and it is only ten in the morning. The humidity is skyrocketing. Like an idiot, I'm sitting here and drinking coffee and sweating. I can't seem to settle. My brains are darting about like mad. I'm getting a headache. Thinking so much that I can't think straight.

I had started the summer out thinking that I could by pass the to-do list and just manage things as I could and that all would be fine. That doesn't seem to be the case. There is just TOO MUCH!! I'm completely forgetting projects and then they are coming back to me and giving me a startle when I realize it is too important to be forgotten. I am wallowing. It is affecting my f***ing cheerful demeanor.

There is a process we learn in Parelli that I am probably not good enough at, but it works with most hurdles in my life. It's called ..Isolate ...Separate .... Re-combine. I try to take everything apart when dealing with problems. I try to take everything down to bite size. There's still just so many bites!! But life really only consists of two modes... trying and wallowing. Wallowing doesn't work out , so I'll keep trying. I'll probably cuss and bitch for awhile. That's okay as long as my actions are positive. My attitude will catch up eventually.

So then.... today I will make my to-do list once again and try to get my mind to settle down a bit. ( My head is feeling really crowded and I have to wonder how people with multiple personalities manage it! That must suck!) Time to switch to ice water, put on my holey tee shirt so I get air movement and get myself to work.

Louie

A Big Day!!

We're going to have a big day!!! It is suppose to be hot, hot, hot!!! According to the weather man and his bank of computers, it should be 95oF. with a heat index of 105oF. We have decided that we should go out under the trees where I have cleared brush and mowed. It is so nice and cool there, especially when there is a breeze. So we will accumulate all of the scrap bits of lumber from around the place and build stuff.

First things on the list are camp style chairs. Mac is tired of sitting on upturned buckets. The sharp little edge puts a big dent in his butt. Having ever had chemo seems to give a person a delicate butt. However, after some time even the hardiest butt will not be able to tolerate the edges of a bucket bottom.

Once we have the chairs we will need a wee table. Mac says that if you don't have air conditioning then you should at least be able to sit under the trees in a comfortable chair, with a beer. And the beer has to be set someplace! It's good to have goals.

The other part of the "big day" is that yesterday the hay was mown!! WOOHOO!!! Today it will be raked and tedded and tomorrow, hopefully it will be baled. Just in time to avoid the rain on Saturday. That feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!

Today I will also revel in some new found friends that I met yesterday. They are folks who are also involved in the Parelli organization. They have a really lovely little farm and they sponsor clinics. I asked if I could barter work for auditing clinics. They are going to give it some thought. It seems that just everybody goes to teach at their farm. I could learn soooo much and this could put me back on track with my horses.

All of a sudden, doors are opening for me. First the web page, the hay, new and incredibly helpful new friends, and a place to plunk down my butt at the end of the day. I'm absolutely gobsmacked..... and thankful.

Louie

What a beautiful day!!!

Finally! It is beautiful outside. Not a cloud in the sky! Bright and dazzling. It is a blue, blue, azure sky. The plan for today is to mow and rake grass for the horses. Then I'll continue scouting out additional walnut trees. But the most exciting part will be to start taking pictures FOR THE WEB PAGE!!!!

I am so jazzed!

I can't believe it but the quest for a web page began around five years ago. Really tried hard to get it rolling again two years ago. But now it looks like things are going to fall into place. Who knew things could fall into place?! With luck I have run into my last wall.

The goal is to have everything running Saturday and we should have the blog linked as well. We should have a wee bit of video shortly after. I'll be taking copious amounts of notes so that I will have my instructions to upgrade, edit, download and all of that kind of stuff. If I become competent at this, then we will have a much better blog as well.

My friend, Petra, had offered her help. We had a terrible time just trying to isolate all of the components and get them in order to send off to Petra. We were unsuccessful. But she kept encouraging me. I thank her for that, because there were times when I was ready to just give up. And I thought that if I can't get something as simple as a little web page going, then how can I achieve anything? To be honest, there are two things I can't deal with being a failure at..... making the little farm profitable and being a good horse person. Ah! don't laugh! to be a really good horse person, you have to change and control intrinsic parts of your nature. Not an easy task!

But for today, I am reveling in what will be. It is SUCH a beautiful day out and there isn't a cloud in the sky!!

Louie

Web Stuff

I e-mailed a person yesterday about helping me out with web stuff. I told him that I just need about three hours of hand holding. Could he please give me a price for three hours and I would need to to be able to have my little list of instructions for how to do updates, etc. when we were done. Simple enough, right?

I hope it works out.

I plan on breaking the site up into three pages. Of course the farm and all of the projects associated with that... building projects, crop development using permaculture principles, starting chickens,TREE HOUSES!! There are so many things I want to do and share with you in video format.

In order to pay for all of the stuff on the farm page, I will need a sale page. I have already developed a farm logo and will have a few hoodies and tees for sale because that's just kind of mandatory for a web site. There will also be some random bits of art work. One of a kind art quilts. Some garden art. Anything for a buck, I suppose.

Last but not least will be my horse page.... my sanity. Only when I am with my horses do I forget the madness of the last five years (the leukemia, the doctors, the hospitals and more) and I need for them to have their place. I want to be able to document my progress with them. It will be a journey not just of horsemanship but a journey that will calm my mind. We'll see how that goes.

It seems impossible that everything can be achieved through some ethereal piece of territory. I've been told that it can work. It can happen. Things COULD fall into place and work out. I could have a PRESENCE!

The best part is... when things really start working out, I could buy GROCERIES!! woohoo!!!

Louie

Half Full, Half Empty

I just realized that today is the fifteenth. The month of June is half gone. It leaves me with a bit of an anxiety attack. I have two weeks to raise two hundred dollars. That is for my annual dues for the Parelli Savvy Club. While to many it doesn't seem an important thing, I don't believe I can handle not having the connections that it affords. My Parelli friends and my children have been my support during Mac's illness. The idea of not having access to them again is quite upsetting.

And while being upset, I made a mental list of my building projects... perhaps not a good idea.

I need at least one run in shed before winter. The fencing has to start this week, as soon as hay is cut. (Please! rain stop for awhile!) Then there is the garage, which would be nice to have done just so we don't have piles of lumber and detritus laying about. Now I have a friend's house to add to the list. That shouldn't be too bad... I have five years to build that one.

Then there is the hobbit house. I am still battling flooding in the foundation. The big problem being that there is just so much other priority stuff to do. Then there is the issue of concrete. Once I have the foundation prepped, I will want to pour immediately. The rest won't take long. I have begun scavenging materials.... oh God , I need a shed too! Forgot about that one.

Oh well, empty of money but rich in ideas.

Louie

Hmmmm, how interesting.....

Linda Parelli teaches that with horses, instead of getting mad or frustrated, stop and think "Hmmm, how interesting" Then take the behavior and think of it as a puzzle and how do we solve it. That has been happening for me with Chloe "I dare ya' to cross this line" pony.

A couple of weeks ago I was wondering around the pasture. Pip was following right along at my shoulder. We stopped and I was rubbing Pip's ears. Chloe came up with her snarky face on and Pip was getting ready to clear out. I didn't want her to take out over the top of me so I leaned to the side and gave Chloe my best boss mare look. As I was leaning she spun around and offered her hind hoof to me.... and not in a nice way either. I got out of the way and then thought, "Hey! I'm not going to let her push me around!!"

So, I stepped back into place, noting that I was out of kicking range. Then I did my own kick in the air, kind of like that sketch on Saturday Night Live,,,you know, "I'm Fifty!!"

The first kick she just seemed kind of startled. I took another step closer and did another in the air "I'm fifty" kick. She moved. I kicked. She moved. I kicked again. She moved more. I kicked again. She moved about ten steps. Then I stopped. She blew. It seems we had come to an understanding.

A few days later and Pip and Chloe escaped. The neighbor got them corralled up. I think I mentioned this before. The interesting part was when I went to get them to bring them home. I took the halter into the small corral, no pretences, I never hide the equipment. And the pony that has refused to be haltered, came up to me, planted herself smack in front of me and stood stone still while I slid the halter on and led her through the very narrow gate. She stood quietly while I chained it closed. Then we started across the pasture.

We moseyed along. She was good.... until we dropped over the edge of a hill and Pip was out of site. Then it was time to get excited. Now I have always been concerned that my blocks and my ability to act was slow, but when in the moment, I surprised myself. Chloe wanted to come over me. I blocked...fast! She stopped. Blinked. Then moved forward more cautiously. We continued. She hollered for Pip and had to start moving. It was like Linda was in my head. I could hear her saying that a right brain horse has to move it's feet. So, I let Chloe move. Then she started to run in tight circles around me. In my head I heard Linda say that no matter what else was going on to protect my space. I flipped the end of the rope and popped her in the belly when ever she got too close. She stopped and gave me space each time. As long as she just moved her feet to move ahead or to get rid of adrenaline then we were okay. As soon as she started to get too much acceleration or started to get frantic, we went into a back up then I "put her into a box" until she could blink and think. Then we moved.

Mac was sitting in the truck and watching the event. He said I scared him half to death, but I wasn't scared. Through the whole thing I felt clear. I felt in control. I felt I was giving Chloe communication on how we were going to proceed. We all made it in one piece and after she was put into the pasture she acted like she was torn between running off and being frantic, or staying with me. Well, she had to go be frantic cause I had to go get Pip as well.

Pip stood and got her halter. It was the first she had been haltered without getting a reward after. We both seemed to have forgotten about it. Then we took off moseying. I had the 22 foot line so she was allowed to graze until I got to the end of the rope then she had to catch up to me. I would reel her in and then let the rope back out as she ate grass. After we got over the hill she didn't seem to want to graze so much and pretty well just stayed at my shoulder. During our whole adventure, her attention seemed to be focused on me. She paid no attention to frantic Chloe, and never once answered her calls.

I'm still pondering all of the little things I've done lately because of the ponies that seem to be adding up to something bigger. I'm still chasing the dream... and some days I think I might be gaining a bit of ground.

Louie