Big Decision

Recently, I received some money from my mom for my birthday and as my christmas present. It gives me exactly $100.00. Usually I don't think twice about either spending my money to buy someone else's christmas present or I put it on a bill or buy groceries. It sits there... looking at me.

God knows, I have the bills.... I have places for the money to go! But I keep hanging on to it.

This year I really wanted to get the Parelli humanality/ horsenality match report. It tells me what my personality is and how to make it work best with my horses nature to achieve results. It costs $99.00. Some of my friends have gotten one done and they have been talking about it revealing things they were unaware of. I have been intrigued. Anyway, the match report was what I wanted for christmas and now the decision that I always make has become a painful decision.

So for now the money sits there.... I suppose eventually, I will do the right thing. It will go on a bill. But I am tired of paying for nothingness. Insurance for example Car, home, health and life and it's gone! Nothing tangible... nothing I can pick up... nothing that gives me pleasure. It's just gone. It's ethereal and I am needing so many REAL things here. And while the report , perhaps isn't so big or so real as lumber or concrete, it would be mine and it would give me pleasure.

I am being selfish. I know what is the right thing to do. I just don't know if I can do the right thing this time. I guess, for now, that money and I will just keep starring at each other. We'll see what happens.

Louie

Keep Moving!!!!

I am at a difficult time now. The weather has been gorgeous. I am so weary of fencing and there are starting to be other enticements..... like planning for christmas. I make a lot of stuff for christmas. Home made toys, recipe books, quilts and on occasion, ugly afghans. But I can't allow myself to think about it, especially when I am so close! The fence so close to finished and all I need to derail the whole project is to start thinking about something else. I have even hidden my to-do list. Nothing but fence!

Don't think...Keep moving!!

Though I did make my annual christmas organizer this morning. I usually save an old christmas card. One that is a convenient size for my purse. Then I staple pages into it. The pages are labeled. One will be all of the people that I will send cards to. Another will be the people I know that I will have a small gift for. Then there are a number of pages for christmas ideas. This will incorporate thoughts about decorations, things I want to try ... recipes. One page will be my grocery shopping list. The definitive list of what I need to cook my christmas menu. Then I save a page for each of my kids and their spouses and the grand kids. The bottom half of the page is filled with suggestions. Things that I have heard them say they would like or use and I wrote it down so as to not forget. Then I have something solid to work from when I make the decision of what to buy or make for a family member. The top of the page is broken into three sections. The first and largest bit is dedicated to the presents I actually buy with a column for what I spend. This way I can see the number of items that I've bought and keep a running total of how much I have spent. Under this is a place to list the stocking stuffers that I have gotten for this person. We are very big on stocking stuffers in our family. We buy as much weird crap as we possibly can and we all have fairly large stockings. The last section of the page is for the table present. This is the last present we open on the day. It has to fit on the person's plate. I try to make this a thoughtful gift... I don't always succeed, but it is the last opportunity to leave a warm, fuzzy feeling for the recipient. It is a process that I become totally absorbed in... gifts that evoke a feeling.

So I can't think about it! Don't think .... Keep moving!!

The other day there was an incredibly hard wind from the south and I was thinking about how badly I wanted to be working on my solar heat collector/window covers for the big windows in the living room and bed room. I was calculating the amount of wood. Site preparation. Hardware to keep it in place. Amount of plastic. How much money would this save us this winter. Then I had to stand back and tell myself...


Snap out of it!! Don't think.... Keep moving!

I so need to make some money. Money haunts me. I've even put myself on a diet.... not so much a traditional diet but one that is about the most conscientious way to use food, in order to save money. During the day, I eat if there are leftovers or if there is something that is really, really cheap. Sometimes a can of beets (don't ask me why, but I love beets) Ramen noodles or if I am feeling very extravagant... pancakes. Cheap and cheerful, but mostly cheap. Then I remind myself..

Building the fence will save money in hay and feed! Don't think.... Keep moving!

But I am so close and winter is coming and soon. One way or another, I will lay this burden down. It will either be done or it will be time to cry "Uncle!" But I don't want to think about that now. I just have to keep moving.

Louie

Hayfields and Horses

When we first came here, the majority of the property was under the crop reserve contract. Because of this we had almost no access to our own land. The horses, by necessity were in a smaller pasture arrangement right behind the house. Whatever I did outside they were there watching me. I think they realized that if they starred at me long enough that I would cave in and take them some grain, pull some grass for them or sometimes mow the perimeter for them. We refer to the mower as the salad shooter. But now they are in a pasture at the back of the property. Part of the front pasture has been taken down and returned to hay. the rest has been changed up, realigned. Measured up and made a much straighter rectangle, as the old wonky one was driving Mac nuts.

But I miss their faces. I miss them calling to me. I miss dropping everything and just hanging with them.

We had wanted to keep as much ground in hay as possible in order to make money. Then the spring was so long and cold that it was a very slow start. Then the weather so wet, it was almost impossible to get into the hay field to cut and bale. Now we are looking at a week of temps in the nineties and hundred. The grass won't grow when it is so hot. It looks as if this isn't going to be a good hay year.

If I had the money, I would just set a lot more fence and do rotational grazing with the girls. At least that would save me from having to buy so much hay and the best part would be that I would get to see them more often. They would be there reminding me that they are the reason that I started all of this. They are a great deal of my quality of life.... especially important in case there isn't long life.

I spend too much time thinking about money. Thinking about how to make every thing better "if i just had this much money I could do....." So, I am going to give up on some hayfield. I'll find a way to fence..... somehow. The girls and I are going to have more quality time and I know I'm going to be happier. That, after all, is the goal.

Louie

Money

Money is a total and complete pain in the ass. I don't mind not having much. I actually prefer not having much. But I want my income to cover what I do have and have enough extra that I can buy my grandkids a pair of shoes if they need them. I want to have a new bra on occasion. I hate having bras with safety pens holding them together!! We've only ever taken one real vacation, so I'd rather not have much and be able to afford to take a vacation.

Sometimes, well, actually often lately, the fear of the money situation has left me depressed and full of rage. It sucks all of the joy out of living. So definitely better to not have much and still have joy.

I stepped out side the door this morning to let Fiona, the dog out, and saw a shooting star. It was too fast and I didn't get my wish out. Thought that I should wish for money. That has never worked in the past. Not too much money though.... enough. Enough to not have bills. Enough to not need a credit card. Enough to not have a mortgage. Just enough.. that's all.


We had watched a show on space travel and astronauts recently. One of the NASA guys told how astronaut waste was put in a small pack and jettisoned into space. As it tore through the atmosphere, the package would incinerate and look like a falling star. So this morning, while looking into the sky, I wasted precious time wondering, "Is it really a falling star or just a bag of astronaut poo?"

That would certainly explain the financial situation.... me wishing away on astronaut poo! Yup! definitely a pain in the ass.

louie

P.S. And this morning I finally get to say....GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!!!