Half Full, Half Empty

I just realized that today is the fifteenth. The month of June is half gone. It leaves me with a bit of an anxiety attack. I have two weeks to raise two hundred dollars. That is for my annual dues for the Parelli Savvy Club. While to many it doesn't seem an important thing, I don't believe I can handle not having the connections that it affords. My Parelli friends and my children have been my support during Mac's illness. The idea of not having access to them again is quite upsetting.

And while being upset, I made a mental list of my building projects... perhaps not a good idea.

I need at least one run in shed before winter. The fencing has to start this week, as soon as hay is cut. (Please! rain stop for awhile!) Then there is the garage, which would be nice to have done just so we don't have piles of lumber and detritus laying about. Now I have a friend's house to add to the list. That shouldn't be too bad... I have five years to build that one.

Then there is the hobbit house. I am still battling flooding in the foundation. The big problem being that there is just so much other priority stuff to do. Then there is the issue of concrete. Once I have the foundation prepped, I will want to pour immediately. The rest won't take long. I have begun scavenging materials.... oh God , I need a shed too! Forgot about that one.

Oh well, empty of money but rich in ideas.

Louie

Hobbit playhouse day 1.... again

I suppose the attitude should be that anything worth doing is worth doing twice. That shall be my motto for today anyway. We have had almost a week of no rain, which is almost unheard of these days. The trenches have been pumped several times and it looks like today is the day.

There are certain projects on this wee farm that will represent a milestone, a turning of the corner... finally! The hobbit playhouse is one of these projects. I have worked for so long and so hard on that area! I've tried to do the prep for the garage for three years now. I just don't have sufficient time, equipment and resources to keep it dry and get it poured. It has become a very expensive hole. So now it is time to say I fought the good battle and to move on. Which really, really isn't easy for me.

The strange thing is that It has lightened my heart considerably to give up on this. But I totally cannot give up without a flip of my finger. So something must go there. Something must be a happy reminder of the work and sweat and cussing that went into that place. Besides we need a retaining wall. Concrete block, I've got, but retaining wall blocks are off in the future. Floating around me. Taunting me with their cost. Damn retaining wall block!

The other thing that the hobbit playhouse will do, is stand as a little monument that I can see a project through. I can envision a wonderful little thing and make it happen. Proof!! proof that I'm not a total idiot. I'm so excited about that!

The house, I am building for Mac. It is his. But the stuff out there... the elements that actually make up the dream, those are mine. I'm just so jazzed about starting on the "mine" part of this journey. And I really, really will take pictures!

louie

Hobbit playhouse day 1

I had a good day yesterday. I felt completely and totally driven to get something done. So I told myself that I would go and bail out water and see what we had to deal with. That's what I did. It didn't take long. There was more muddy sludge then water in that corner because that is where the cave ins are the worse. So after briefly bailing water, I had to make a decision on whether or not it seemed good to continue. It did. Even with just standing on the dam the mud was slurping at my crocks. I made the decision it would just be wiser to go in barefoot. I kept telling myself that if this were a facial, I'd be paying money for it.

The mud was of a consistency that it was too runny to use a shovel and too thick to be able to toss with a bucket. I scooped it up with my hands and tossed it over the dam. I actually made pretty good time. Then it was time to climb out. The old crappy pants were getting pulled down by the mud and I probably had a good foot of pants leg going past my foot. this made climbing efforts pretty slippery. I also couldn't choose my footing as well. While the tops of the dam hadn't been bad to stand on the sides were total moosh. When I put my leg up to climb, all I accomplished was pulling more mud back in the hole. So, I tried another side of the hole. Still no luck. I checked my pockets to make sure I had my cell phone.... just in case. Then I tried the tallest and most secure side. Everything stayed in place. Climbing wasn't the easiest task, especially with muddy pants wanting to slip, slide, fall and basically not be controlled. But I made it!! Then I remembered all of the people that I ever heard of that died in a trench cave in. I reminded myself to not do that.

I got some old leftover foam forms and chucked them down the hole. Then I wondered just how badly did I want to go back down there. I was tired by now. I couldn't keep my pants up. I could feel a sun burn developing on my low, lower, lower back. Every part of me was spattered in mud and I was even sporting some mud encrusted dreadlocks. Not exactly my look but I was going to have to go with it for now. I knew I didn't want to have to go through digging it out again so I was going to have to get down there and stabilize the sides with the forms. Down I slid. I ended up having to dig back the dams a little but I got the forms in and wedged tight. Climbing out was much easier now that I had the edges of the forms to stand on. Then I started to carry some gravel to help seat the forms. I didn't carry much gravel as I wanted because I was tired and slimy and ready to call it a day.

I assessed my condition. I could not go in the house like this. The next stop was the garden hose. First was a matter of de-crusting my hands and arms. Then started spraying the outside of my pant legs. As the great rolls of mud came off the pants, I could roll them up and start spraying the mud from the inside of the leg. After that, I could spray my legs. It took awhile and my lower, lower back was really starting to sting. Finally got to where I thought I could make no more improvements on my self. So trundled along to the front door. Of course, the back door isn't exactly accessible yet. The front door was my only option. Keep in mind that I am now wet as well as muddy. So I stood on the front step for a moment and listened carefully. I didn't hear any traffic on the gravel road. I quickly undid my pants and dropped them on the step, wiped my feet on them and jumped inside the door. Felt like it took forever!

So that was my first day of working on the hobbit playhouse.... and last night it just rained down buckets!! I've apparently started another project designed to teach me character. Personally, I think I have enough damned character!

louie

Starting fresh

Each month bill day is so traumatic for me, that having the wretched task done gives a feeling akin to rebirth. It's a new beginning, a fresh start. Then my mind turns to how can I do something so INCREDIBLY spectacular this month that I will never have to face bill day again. This usually sets me off in a flurry of activity that is physically impossible to maintain. But this month... ahh, this month will be different.

I have pledged that this month I will work smarter not just harder. The goal this month is to video tape everything that we do here. Some of it will be used to give us a more impartial look at what we are trying to do. Some of it will go to YouTube. Some of it, I really, really hope, will be used to create a video library to teach different skills. Some of it will just be a diary of the progress that we are making.

I have so many plans!! I would , of course, like to start with the hobbit playhouse. After all, I'm a grandma, and grandmas are suppose to be good for things like that. Then I have to get on top of the horse fencing. The outdoor kitchen and the shop have to fall in line next. After that will be the wedding site. I'm especially excited about the wedding site!!! We've got a place in the woods that is fairly accessible and very pretty. The plan is to doll it up and build a rustic fireplace in and rent it for small weddings. Hopefully it will end up making a few mortgage payments.

The thing is this.... whenever I say I'm going to accomplish something here, I DO accomplish it!! It's kind of a little miracle, I think. So today I am making my declaration for turning my dreams into reality. Today is going to be a good day! Today I will make a good start.

So, yesterday was the once a month bill trauma. Today, is hopes and dreams and plans.... lots of plans! Tomorrow is Mac's visit back to Iowa City to see the Dr. It will be a gut wrencher, because it always is. If things go as usual, he will sleep on the way over. We will be sitting and waiting in one place or another for two hours. We will talk to Dr.s for about fifteen minutes, Then we will leave with another appointment for next month. On the way out Mac will ask me if I want to stop and eat. I will say no that I want to get the hell out of Dodge first. I never feel safe as long as we remain in Iowa City. I have to get some miles under me. Then we stop and eat in Des Moines on the way home. Mac will order food and then spend the next hour talking about all of the food that he misses and how much he wished stuff would start tasting good. Then we will get back in the truck and head home. Eventually we will pull onto our road. It is so small, and it's shaded. The trees reach over the road and touch and you feel like you are driving into different world. That will be the first moment when the stress starts to fall away. We will pull up the incredibly steep drive and see the lights in our wee house, and Mac will say, "We're home!" Then, only then, will we really feel safe and out of their reach.

The day after tomorrow I will make plans.

louie

It's that time again...

Today is once again the most dreaded of times.... bill paying day. I am having my usual feelings, despair, anger, nausea. Usually before I start, I have to invest a certain amount of time in rationalization. Do my math in my head.... Mac makes this much... I need this much..... I need a way to find this much.....

Part of the despair is that I have been trying so hard to get my shop space built. And once again, just as the soil was to the point where it could be dug out, there was a culmination of events. 1) It rained down buckets!! 2) the pump stopped working 3) I got sick. So, the footing trench is flooded and caving in. I believe the word that I want here is SNAFU.

We can no longer wait on the plan. The plan has to change. So, yesterday I went out and walked off measurements and double checked site orientation. Then, I had a brilliant idea or two. I will change the layout of the garage slightly, make a pass through so I still have the access that I need. The site where the garage was going to go ... the site where we spent too much money preparing and getting dug out, will become a play yard for the grand kids. To avoid having to buy so much in the way of retaining wall blocks etc., we will take the materials that we already have, and build a hobbit play house into the berm. It will serve the same purpose and be way more fun.

What I see as one of life's cruel Ironies is that I don't have an occupation as creative problem solver. I can do a lot of stuff. I'm a creative person. But when life is busy biting you in the ass, it's kind of hard to be creative... but I can always seem to solve odd problems just because my brain needs to. When things get real tough, I draw house plans. If only I could make money as a result of the really strange way my mind seems to work. How handy would that be?!! It would be especially cool if the money earned was in direct proportion to how out of the box you were. I could be mortgage free in no time!! Hoorah for weirdos!

But until then, it's time to rejoin reality and go pay the bills, the nasty bills that eat people alive. I will go back and plan my little piece of the Shire tomorrow, when I am done with the despair, anger and nausea.

louie