Today

Today I have to go to town. I need to go and pick up this month's groceries and will also need to get Mac's prescriptions filled for the month. I need to buy dog food too. Should probably put a little gas in the truck. I know that by the time I get home I will have spent around two hundred dollars. This makes me very stressed and on occasion, ill.

Today, this post, is my three hundredth post. Who knew I had so much gas!? That's a rhetorical question... don't answer it.

Since I started writing this blog, my rage level has dropped somewhat. Confrontation with the right kinds of people still send me through the roof. I can't blow things off like I used to. However, fears of Mac dying have diminished. The farther away from the doctors, the better I feel.

I'm not so far along on the little farm as I had hoped.... especially when it comes to fences. Fences and sheds are the back bone of a farm. You just HAVE to have them to get anything done. I still don't have a round pen, or a chicken coop, or the garden laid out the way I would like.

Too much takes either money, or physical strength or proper tools. I find myself lacking.

But we have hung on. We are stronger. The land is better. The weeds are down and the grass is thicker. We have started at clearing woods. Slowly, slowly we make a difference.

Today the high will be around 72 and last week it was in the 90's. We had an over night low in the low 40s. Today before I go to town, I'll try to work on digging post holes. Where there is life, there is hope. I really hope to get some fence in!

Today.... a lot could happen today.

Louie

When I grow up...

I am fifty-three years old and I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I always have ideas, and to be honest, some of them are ...FANTABULOUS!!! But no matter how much I push, how much I prep, how much I learn and try to mold the situation, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me.

A long time ago I had the opportunity to visit with a man who worked assisting micro business start up. We talked. I kept throwing out ideas and talking about directing a business... things that could be done... possibilities. After awhile he got quiet and then he said, "You know, You're a visionary." Well, it was very nice of him to say, and I will always treasure it. It is much nicer then "a silly dreamer who will never see anything come of her notions"

So, now I sit here and recollect all of the dreams that I have dreamt. All of the things that I wanted to become and couldn't. All of the failures. Amidst all of this rubble, I want to start a new dream. As a part of making the little farm a reality, I also want to make it a satellite Parelli facility. Parelli doesn't actually have such a thing.... yet. But I feel it coming.

The hospitals left me feeling like a shell, with so much claustrophobia. The horses heal me. I feel like I have to go this direction. I feel a bit driven, truth be told.

So whether it is a silly dream or a vision... when I grow up, I want to have a little farm where I grow mushrooms and make syrup, and people will come from all over to become horsemen. They will come empty and they will leave full. I will be something and it will be good.

Louie

We Have Today...

I am absolutely exhausted today! Didn't sleep last night. The weather report has again frozen me with some fear. We have had rain for the last several days. When it wasn't raining, we have had stifling humidity. I haven't been able to accomplish anything outside because it has been too wet or because the air is so thick that you have to cut it into bite size chunks before trying to inhale.

There is thirty to fifty percent chance rain on Thursday and Friday. Lately even a ten percent chance of rain has actually been a one hundred percent chance. So, we have today. Unfortunately even getting the trenches pumped back out today does not allow time for drying up. There are tasks that I need a second set of hands with.... but there won't be a second set of hands. Whatever I start today, I need to finish today, because I will lose it in the rain tomorrow if I don't.

I have today... I have me.... I have a fair amount of rage building.

On top of the weather issues, the need to make money becomes more urgent on a daily basis. I need to find ways to make money with the farm. Working on the little farm comes as naturally to me as breathing. Sharing the farm is joy. And when I try to work on business I feel like I have been pummeled until bloody. It isn't a matter of doing. It's a matter of roadblocks. It's almost like a mystical, unseen force stops my efforts and leaves only one way for me to move. If I try to fight it, it surely knocks me right back on my ass. The only way forward is through the farm. I have to believe that somehow the farm will save me. It is the only road that is open to me. The only way I know to travel. I don't know what the next step should be for me.

I have today ... I have me .... and I'm alone.

louie