I look back over what Mac and I have been through over the last fifteen years or so and wonder how we keep managing to bounce back. It hasn't been easy, but when you give up, you just die, right? We had been living with ever growing hope recently. The truck would soon be paid off and that would free up a little money. Then we could 1) be sure we have enough food over the course of the winter 2) build up a little savings account 3) have enough money to pay our taxes and insurance 4) make some improvements on the farm that would speed us along to having a farm income 5) pay off some other bills. It seemed that we had a plan. Well, a plan of sorts. We hadn't crossed our t's or dotted our i's but we thought we were on our way. I had building supplies still laying in the yard from what I had purchased before Mac's leukemia had returned. I had changed up most of our plans so that those supplies would take care of our building needs this year. I had hoped that just a moderate amount of money would be needed for odds and ends to finish up It seems you never have everything. You always need odds and ends.
So, with the truck almost being paid off and the resources that I already had, how could I not be hopeful? I guess I fell into the old cliche of counting my chickens before they hatched. During the worst of Mac's illness his long term disability insurance only paid out enough to cover the mortgage and his health care insurance. We lost the old house which we were trying to sell to make the down payment on the new one. We were more or less supported by an old school friend of Mac's We robbed Peter to pay Paul and got most of the bills taken care of. There are still some medical bills that we are chipping away at. We defaulted on two credit cards. Thank God we aren't like most people and we didn't own a wallet full of the things. We didn't carry as much debt as most Americans, but more then we were comfortable with. The plan was to get the truck paid off and save up enough to contact the creditors and negotiate the debt settlement and pay them off. But there wasn't enough time. Our recovery was too slow. One creditor has sent us paperwork and they say they intend to force us into foreclosure on our house if we do not pay them the balance We are looking at getting a loan to get money to settle but since we have gone through financial difficulties we may not be eligible for a loan. And there is the question of another payment. That little cushion we had hoped for by having the truck paid off will be gone.
I try to not think about it. I try to keep my spirits up, but there are days I feel like I have been thrown into the ocean with cement overshoes. The waves keep lapping at my face and there is just no way to escape drowning. Some how.... some way... there has to be a way we can be successful enough that we can pull our way out of this. But you have to keep trying. If you give up, you just die, right?