Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I haven't had a panic attack about money for several months, so apparently, I was due.  This morning at 4:41 I awoke with a great deal of acid reflux and a cold sweat and wondering how in the hell would I find $1200.00 by the end of September.  I still don't know how I will make that work, but things seem less frightening by the light of day.  Other things take precedence.  Weeding.  Feeding.  Facing down the heat wave we are in right now.  Making sure the chooks have enough water.  I'm worried about one of the broiler hens.  She has stopped walking.  This is an inherent problem with broilers.  They have been bred to grow so fast that their skeletons don't always maintain enough strength to hold up the weight.  I don't know if I should let her go for a bit or if going ahead and butchering her would be the greatest kindness.

My mind can't stay on any one worry for too long.  There are just too many of them crowding around, pushing for attention.  Sometimes I feel as if I am in a game of checkers with God.  I think I am moving along well.  I think I will make it to the end and be able to get my piece kinged.  I will acquire what I need to navigate the board more easily, the strength to overcome my obstacles.  But it doesn't happen that way.

I don't want to think about it.  It is far too depressing.

Tomorrow Mac goes to see the transplant oncologist in Iowa City.  He is being kept on a monthly schedule for now.  It is horrible.  Stressful.  Makes me wake up in the night.  Makes me angry.  I thought I had finally gotten past the rage.  It seems that it is just under the surface.  I did a fair amount of cussing today.  As always we will go to Iowa City and then crash for two days afterward.  Then I will shove myself back into my life.  Get back to worrying about weeding and feeding, and occasionally, I will wake up at 4:41  in the morning and wonder how in the hell am I going to make it all work?


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