Saturday, July 7, 2012

It Takes a Little Balance

I have been so incredibly stressed lately!  The heat wave continues.  There is so much work to be done, but it is dangerous to be out for very long periods of time.  In fact, we try to stay indoors from two o'clock in the afternoon until around four-thirty.  Then rounds are made.  Water levels are checked.  Then, drenched in sweat, we retire back inside until it is time to do evening chores for real.

I did my routine a little late tonight.  By the time the chores were done, I was well into dusk.  The sun had sunk below the horizon and everything breathed a sigh of relief.  The assault of heat was over for another day.  Sometimes Mac comes out and watches me do my chores.  He stands in the garden.  Watering plants, kind of power washing the tomatoes to rid them of buggy pests.  Sometimes he hollers at me.  "When are  you thinking of moving the greenhouse?"  I can never hear him, so what he hollers doesn't matter much.  I let him know that... "I  CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"  He responds, "I'll wait"  At least, that's what I think he is saying.

Evening is our time.  When things cool down and the world feels a bit kinder.  Mac isn't here tonight.  He is spending the night with my oldest daughter.  It is cooler there.  They have Netflix.  Here, the heat seems to be playing havoc with the antenna and we are down to three channels.  None of which seem that interesting.  Mac is getting away to have media time and I am getting away from Mac for a bit.  His large dose of prednisone has taken it's toll.  One day he wants to cry.  Another day, I want to cry and yesterday, well yesterday,  I wanted to bludgeon him.

Tonight I feel like I finally have a moment to think my own thoughts.   He is needy.  He seems to think I know everything that will happen next.... that I have a plan, and he needs to be comforted by that knowledge.  In reality, I don't know shit.  I'm following a feel and it's leading me to someplace new.  My only assurance is that I think at the last minute, something wonderful will happen and somehow, the debts will be paid, the farm will be safe.  I will no longer be tied to the railroad tracks watching the oncoming locomotive.  Mac doesn't have that feeling.  He thinks he will be dead within five years.

I just keep swimming, but it often feels like I have a drowning man clutching at me.  Sometimes it's hard.

I'll be glad when it cools down.  We'll be able to sit out in the evening.  We'll light a fire in the webber grill and watch the fire.  In the background are the fireflies, adding their own dimension to the moment. That's the thought I have tonight.  My calming thought.  Certainly not the thought I had yesterday.  Yesterday I went outside to have an onslaught of cussing that would make any sailor proud, regardless of nationality.

Tonight I have my calm.  I have a good book.  I'm trying to regain my composure... my balance.  right now, I love my husband again.... absence makes the heart grow fonder.


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