The Right Tool For the Job

Last fall I did a stupid thing. I didn't mean too. I tried to avoid it. I was doing pasture stuff. Cleaning up, working on fence and mowing the fence line so I wouldn't get covered in ticks and to protect the electric fence from tall weeds that could short it out. There was an area where I had been stacking my old wire. It was rolled into balls like yarn. When it came time to mow that section, I walked the area. Walked it again. Raked over it with the shovel listening for the metallic "ting" sound that would tell me that I had hit a ball of wire. I walked it again. By this time I considered myself safe to mow that section. So, I mowed. All was well. Then I decided that I needed to get a little closer to the one post. A whirring noise. CHUNK!! The engine died, "Dammit anyway!!!!" The rest of the fall, I planned on getting the mower up on a ramp and cutting the wire out. It did not happen. The mower sat there until spring. It would not start. Mac jumped it and we got it driven up by the house where it was a little easier to work on it. We lifted the front end but there was no way I could get under there and get the wire out. Plus I was worried about injury if the blade would recoil when the wire was free. Then the other night we made the decision to pull the mowing housing out from under the mower. The next day I flipped it over and started removing the wire. It could have been worse. Nothing was bent or broken and it took about a half an hour to get the wire off. Then I decided to try sharpening the blades. I did okay. I will do better next time. They could certainly be sharper. Last night we flipped the housing back over and got it back onto the mower. The battery was dead again. It was again jumped and the tires aired up and Mac did a little mowing. Not a lot. Enough, hopefully, to charge up the battery and enough that he managed to cut off one of my young crabapple trees. There is something meditative about mowing... it makes him completely unaware of his surroundings. He gets stupid. Today's goal is to get the green slime stuff into the mower tires so they will hold air. I'll try to get the tires fixed today and get the mowing done. Then I want to get the INCREDIBLY tall grass raked up and served to the horses. It will help make the pasture last longer. All of the rakes, well, all except the kids' rakes, have broken handles. It would be nice to have a rake with a handle longer then a foot and a half that doesn't end in a broken shard of wood. I think I will have to go to town and find a rake. It will have to do. Of course, the right tool for the job would be a lawn sweeper that I could pull behind a lawn tractor, the mower, or an ATV. We also need a dethatcher tool that is also a pull behind..... and an aerator. Grass handling tools are some of our most important tools right now and what do I have? I have a mower with flat tires and a broken rake. Oh well, we will hope that once the chickens get old enough to be out that they will go into a chicken tractor and take care of this problem. Hopefully, chickens won't get flats. Hopefully, chickens will be the right tool for the job. Louie

Panic Attacks

I don't know... maybe panic attack is too strong of a statement. Maybe anxiety attacks would be better. But whatever it is, the waking up at night, the acid reflux, the cramp in my chest, has been a bit much. It only happens when I worry about money. So, yesterday, I vented to a couple of people. Had my burst of rage, so now it is time to figure it out. I keep coming up with ideas to make money that require some degree of creativity. But it is almost impossible for me to be creative when I have this much stress. I need widgets! Some thoughtless process where I can count out five, put them in a bag and toss them in the mail. I have no idea what could possibly be my widget. I know that I keep visiting the idea of making money and then walking away a failure. Failure can be very tiring..... and make your chest hurt. Sometime later, I can get creative again, but for now..... I've decided that perhaps I should work myself up to a frenzy today. I have good weather. God knows, I have enough work. I need to start with the mower. I got some wire tangled around the blades and it is going no where until it is cleaned out and hopefully, the blades sharpened up a bit. The garden needs some finishing touches. I also need to consider some fencing. I saw some raccoon poop out there the other day and I don't need a marauder so early in the season. I will need some sort of garden fence. That reminds me... the post hole digger needs sharpened. There are some plants that need to be set out and I think they can handle the weather now. The yard needs cleaned up so badly. I cringe at the thought. Then, when all of this is done, I will hopefully have an idea for a widget. I will be lying prostate in the grass..... probably covered in ticks, exhausted, the clouds will part. There will be a stream of heavenly light and the angelic chorus will strike up a beat..... Ahhhh-men. And through the process of divine intervention, I will have an idea for a widget. Well, you just can't beat heavenly inspiration for getting you a real cracker jack idea for making some filthy lucre. Maybe, I 'll just buy a lottery ticket again. That's especially filthy lucre. I need to go spend some time with the horses today. They will cheer me up, but more importantly, they will relax me. The grandsons were here this last weekend. They cheer me up also. They don't always relax me. They do crack me up. Edgar, of course, is proficient at the potty training phase of his life. His timing is not always perfect though. The last time he was here, we had made it down the hill and we were into the woods when he announced that he had to pee. I wasn't keen on walking back up the hill to have him use the toilet just to turn around and walk back down the hill. I tried to convince him that peeing on a tree was the thing to do. He had a rather dubious expression when I told him all the guys do it. When I unzipped his pants he had a look on his face that made me feel like a pedophile. I gave up. I asked him, "Do you REALLY want to go back to the house and use the toilet?" He nodded sadly , so up the hill we went. But this last weekend, we were again out in the trees and doing some brush burning and he yelled at me, "Hey, Grandma!" I answered, "Hey, What?" Back at me, "I have to go pee on that tree!" "Which tree?" "That one!" "The one by the white rock?" "Yes!" "Okey dokey" So Edgar went and peed on the tree. I continued to watch the fire. When I turned around to check on him he was standing facing the small crabapple tree with his jeans around his ankles and a brisk wind to his back. His little butt cheeks ruddy in the wind. His dad will have to teach him to have a little discretion. I have already learned that grandmas cannot teach the fine art of peeing on trees. But that is the thought I will hold in my mind, the next time I have a panic attack. Edgar standing in front of the tree, enjoying nature. Perhaps it will inspire some idea for a widget, considering the angelic chorus hasn't shown up yet. So, I will soon be out and working, armed with my sick sense of humor and possibly a small bag to breath into. Louie

The Mustang in my Heartstrings

There was a book that I read when I was in fifth grade, called "Smokey, the Cow Horse". A story of a range bred horse. Sort of the american west's answer to "Black Beauty". I still remember one line. I'm sure this isn't exact, but it went something like this..."the little grey horse had gotten tangled up in the cowboy's heartstrings." For me, it is a poignant line, resolute piece of my own truth. Horses get tangled up in my heartstrings. It happened again last Friday. This was the day that I went to the Bureau of Land Management mustang adoption. I had heard it referred to as an auction and that is what I expected. When I arrived there was no one there but the staff and the horses. This kind of gave me an "Oh Crap!" feeling. Horses are only offered so long and when they have been passed up so many times they are considered three strikes horses. While no one says absolutely what happens at this point, it is rumored that they become dog food. Having a crowd looking them over, and then hopefully adopting, would have eased my mind considerably. I walked around the animals penned there. Two, three year olds that could be adopted for $25. The remainder of the mustangs were two year olds and yearlings. There were also about ten burros being offered, some gelded, some intact jacks. There I was, just the second car in the lot, a few staffers and a bunch of equines. After my second lap around, I stopped one of the staff and asked how the auction worked. First I was corrected, it wasn't an auction. It was an adoption. Day one was the viewing. Day two, you came with your paperwork and you line up. It would be first come, first served. You had your money or check and approved paperwork. You walked through and picked your horse or burro. They would then be separated and loaded. Then the next person had their chance. So on, until they ran out of horses or adopters. If a lot of horses are adopted in that location they will come back. If not, they won't. This is a bit of a catch 22 as they do no advertising. They do not try to get local volunteers to do any legwork or stimulate any interest. Many times, no one even knows the BLM were there with horses and then they scratch their heads and wonder why the adoption numbers are low. It isn't like it needs to cost them money. All they have to do is ask for help. There are people like me that are wanting, waiting to help. Despite this perplexing situation, the staff were helpful. They answered more questions in a few minutes and I received more information, then I had been able to get from website or through inquiries at the national level for over a six month period of time.... well, actually ever! While talking to the BLM personnel, my friend Jackie arrived. We walked, we talked, she yelled at her nephew. We nearly froze our butts off with the wind whipping through the arena. Then Jackie's friend arrived. We were now three. She wondered why she hadn't heard that this event was going on. Jackie, who lived close to town, said she wouldn't have known about it except for talking to me. Her friend then said, "Lets see what we can do about this." She walked away with her cell phone. When she came back she said she had called a friend at the local radio station and he was on air. He was going to put out a plug for the event. About twenty minutes later, cars started to arrive. In the meantime, we just kept walking. Looking at horses, noting behavior. Leaning on fences to see if any would come up to investigate. Watching expression. It had been a long drive. I was so cold and I stood by one pen and yawned. Then yawned again. The entire pen took notice. Then one of them laid down. The next time I walked by more were down and the next pen was laying down as well. Yawning it seems, is the body language equivalent of, "I'm content, I'm tired, I'm not going to eat you now, We're cool" I must have walked that lap around the pens about fifty times. By the time I had done five laps, I was taken by three different horses. 6921, 6943 and 809. Something about those three. Something about their character that made me think they would mesh well with my own personality. Something about the look in the eye. It was heart wrenching. There seemed to be an infinite well of sadness in those dark eyes. Those three mustangs definitely got tangled up in my heartstrings. While going to be with them left me feeling a bit like I had been touched by the divine, I had no way to offer them a haven. I was helpless to save them. And I know that they are lost to me now. Gone forever. I'm going to see what I can do to change some things. Thinking about what I can do to help. I have been thinking about volunteering in some way. I've been thinking about how to improve fencing. I've been thinking about the adoption application that is in my purse. Can't help myself, now that I'm having trouble with my heartstrings. Louie

Mornings and Other Pleasures

I didn't follow my normal routine this morning. I usually get up and make coffee. Make the bed. Then do the steps necessary to get Mac off to work. Sometimes I sit down and write first or make my list of things that have to be done that day. That usually gives me some clarity of thought and by then, it has usually warmed up enough to be comfortable to work outside.

Today I chucked the routine. After getting Mac off to work I headed outdoors. There was a bank of dark clouds off to the northwest. But it was dry so far, so it was time to try to work quickly and see how things would unfold. I grabbed my short shovel and the last of my blue spruces and headed towards the back of the property. I measured off the distance between trees, which is six shovel lengths, and got the little darlings in the ground. Then back up to the back yard. I grabbed the rake. Actually, it is Edgar and Evelyn's kid sized rake. My rakes have all, for some reason, gotten broken handles, so it is the kids rakes or nothing. Thank goodness that True Temper puts out a child's tool that can actually be used for work. I soon had the old top soil pile raked out smooth. Then raked out a section of the garden that I had already gotten turned over and supplemented with cow manure. Then quickly got my "Early Girl" variety of tomato planted and covered with milk jugs. Then grabbed the single plant of lavender and took it to the front yard garden. I had two lavender plants already and they had wintered over very well, but there is a feng shui idea that for luck, things should not be in even numbers. As I am in dire need of luck, I planted the single in with the other two and gave myself a lucky number three.

Then it was time to go in and have some breakfast... and brush my hair and teeth. This is the good news of living in the country. No one knows that I am running amok and unkempt, exposed to the world. I did so well that I rewarded myself with pancakes for breakfast. I also allowed myself a bit of fantasy. I live with in my head so much, that I tend to see what will be, instead of what is... here, now, right in front of me. Recently, I had been cutting myself off from those thoughts, trying to be a realist, and not realizing just how much those happy thoughts were actually sustaining me.

I sat down , curled up with my old quilt, my coffee and my pancakes and I thought about coming up the hill. The arbor, new and improved. Bright flowers undulating around the courtyard. The crabapple trees mature and flowering with pink blossoms departing in the wind. The woods all clean with understory trees planted. Woodland plants and the smell of fresh mulch. Paths leading down to the ravine bottom. Flowers tucked in everywhere. Some growing out of dead stumps, some in giant pots. It's all so pretty! And it makes me feel so good about myself.

I have done a lot... it is getting better. I just have to stop once in awhile and look back, and see just far I have traveled. I DO make things better everyday. I just don't always feel like it. Sometimes I s'pose you just have to step outside your routine and see how you feel. So, I am finishing up my pancakes and watching the rain drip off the eaves and I am feeling pretty good.

Louie

A Day of Earth

Every once in a while you have an opportunity to use a labor saving device. For most women, it is a hand mixer, a washing machine, but for me it was the neighbor coming down with his tractor. He had a few minutes last evening and would I like that top soil pile moved? He also brought the neighborly gift of a big scoop of composted cow manure. A gift as kind and thoughtful as a home baked loaf of bread or preserves. It will be very useful.

Now that the soil is loose, I will take some of it and fill in depressions and tire tracks. Rake it out and wish that I had grass seed. Then I will shape the garden beds. It is creatively terraced. Last spring I cut chunks of sod to frame the beds and though they have slumped a bit, they are still holding up. Now with this additional dirt I will want to start working on something a bit more substantial.

The top soil pile that got moved was bigger then I realized and my garden not only got built up but has been increased by at least a third. It would have taken me at least a week to move all of that dirt, especially with my wheelbarrows with the perpetually flat tires or with Edgar's little red wagon or even on occasion, with five gallon buckets. Even with the help, today will be a day of earth. I will have to go assess what areas are the worst and start there. Then I will measure out where my edges are and cut them even and tidy. When everything seems about right, I'll plant my onion starts. As I have managed to collect four milk jugs, I will be able to plant four tomatoes. With luck, I will get carried away and plant my beets. I think lettuces should go in as well. I can't get ahead of myself by too much though. First there is still a great deal of earth to move. It has been made easier, but it hasn't been finished.

Before I get too carried away, I need to remember to plant my five blue spruces. They will do better if I get them into the ground while the temperatures are still cool. I might as well plant the rosemary and the lavender as well, as they will go into the front beds under the living room window with the protected southern exposure.

It is so easy to do all of this planning in my head. All of this making lists. I spend a lot of time seeing the little farm in my head... all finished and beautiful. And it gets done so quickly too, all of those chores in my head. We will see what I can really accomplish today. In real time. With real sweat. Now that I have been given a bit of help from my neighbor with his labor saving device. Let's just hope that all of my inspiration turns into reality.

Louie

Tax Return

The tax return came last week. With it came a deep sense of relief. Then I started to do farm math. I was tallying up every wish and desire. I made more phone calls to get insurance quotes. The last phone call I made took place while I was in town and it became unbearable. I ended up pulling the truck over and pacing in a deserted parking lot while talking to the insurance agent. It was a bit of a negotiation. Luckily, I had been doing my research and making calls. I could talk to my agent with more knowledge. I could tell her what other companies were charging. We talked about different options and we got it to a place where I could write a check and get what I needed.

I feel very blessed that the return was for about fifteen hundred. I know I will have to write a check to my mom for five hundred of it. The insurance cost another $624. Then I got a bit frivolous, I suppose. I spent around twenty bucks on feed and ordered my chicks. I bought wire to build a chicken tractor with and some taller horse wire for my emergency "gates" in the round pen. That came to eighty dollars. Then I spent another $38. on five small blue spruces to add to the wind break. Every spring a few more are added.

And then I had a small panic attack.

I'm not used to spending money. The original relief of having insurance and paying bills turned into horrible guilt and remorse and fear. To some extent I even felt like I was cheating on my husband. *I* was spending money not *him*. What the hell did I think I was doing?!! It wasn't fun and I didn't like it. They say you have to spend money to make money. I don't know if I can. It just really hurts too, too much. I look at the life I want and some of it will take money... how can I bring myself to do that? How will I pay the property taxes next time they are due? How will I pay the insurance? How will I buy grass seed? How will I make the little farm, a little profitable? What next?

I suppose the smart thing would be to go plant my spruces and see if a brilliant idea comes to me. I will see if my land will inspire me in how I should take care of it. It has been pretty smart so far. So much to think about.

Louie

Whew!

It has been exciting again. Wednesday, the round pen was finished. That is, other then the gates being figured out, built and installed. But done enough for me to be patting myself on the back pretty hard. Thursday, Pip escaped the pasture where she and Chloe were kept. A medium sized dead elm came down in the wind and hit the fence. It didn't take down the fence it just shorted it out. I thought I had gotten the tree pushed up and wedged into another tree. No such luck. It shifted and fell back out. When I walked out Pip was standing in deep grass on the hill outside of the pasture.

I called to her. "Pip what are you DOING over there?" She said she was eating grass and would I prefer it if she ate grass standing next to me. She stood there with that expectant look on her face, waiting for my reply. So I hollered back, "Well, hang on. I have to go get some stuff and I'll be right back." She gave me the horse equivalent of okey-dokey, so I started back up to the house.

I went in and grabbed a halter and lead rope, my carrot stick, my phone and a carrot. I went back out and got her attention and waited for her to come to me. I broke off a piece of the carrot and headed to the new pasture... the one with the round pen and no gates. We stopped here and there. Sometimes I would just go ahead of her and then wait for her to catch up, which would earn her another piece of carrot... always a reward, never a bribe. She went into the new arrangement like a champ. We walked through the round pen and into the pasture. I stayed with her a bit then headed back for Chloe.

My phone rang. It was the insurance agent with a quote. I apologized that I would have to call her back, then headed on to Chloe. I almost made it there and the phone rang again. It was a horsey friend that I was to meet up with during the mustang auction. We were catching up on things as I headed back to the old pasture. I got to Chloe and was getting ready to go through the gate when I heard the sound of thundering hooves. Pip apparently was in need of company. Considering being alone and galloping tend to get a horses anxiety level up. I decided to just keep talking with my friend and to let everybody get relaxed. Pip got to graze and get scratches. There were a couple of times when she had to come to me and put her head close, then she went back to her grass.

When I was down to one bar on my battery, I figured it was time to get busy. Said my good byes to Jackie and went in to Chloe. She haltered right up and got some scratches for her good behavior. Then we took off at a less then speedy mosey. I led Chloe and Pip followed. The name of the game was to keep calm. We once again arrived at the round pen. Chloe went into a pasture and Pip, not wanting to make my life any easier went into the other pasture.... the one I didn't want her in. Oh well, good enough. I grabbed my wire cutters and started to pull wire off the spool and string them across the opening. Tied the ends in and flagged them with cloth to make them visible. Put the lead rope across too.

Then the phone rang and Pip wanted to be put into the other pasture with Chloe..... of course.

Louie